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    Archived pages: 401 . Archive date: 2013-12.

  • Title: B3TA : WE LOVE THE WEB
    Descriptive info: .. A joke this good? On a Saturday? That's right.. F.. P - WOO.. (.. Ya What?.. , Sat 7 Dec, 10:52,.. 15 replies.. ).. bit lighter.. mike woz ere.. , Thu 5 Dec, 1:08,.. 8 replies.. Fresh Water Mole.. , Wed 4 Dec, 15:29,.. 19 replies.. Captain Howdy.. , Mon 2 Dec, 13:42,.. 13 replies.. Thank f**k that's over for another year.. Click for bigger (331 kb).. moistness.. , Wed 27 Nov, 8:40,.. 11 replies.. Phwoar.. monkeon.. , Mon 25 Nov, 16:36,.. 5 replies.. If he used actions, it would be even quicker.. , Sun 24 Nov, 13:13,.. 7 replies.. One day, I shall come back.. Yes, I shall come back.. , Fri 22 Nov, 19:14,.. mofaha.. , Fri 22 Nov, 16:47,.. 14 replies.. Memaxx.. , Thu 21 Nov, 15:20,.. 23 replies.. Join the finest internet newsletter in the land.. Cool web stuff to your inbox every Friday.. No spam.. No gristle.. * QUESTION - YOUR SHIT CELEB ENCOUNTERS.. * CAT GIFS - REENACTED BY A HUMAN.. * CHALLENGE - PUT JOKES INTO THE BACKGROUND.. Background Jokes.. This week's fiendish chore is to take a famous image, and add something comical or interesting to the background, leaving the foreground as before.. Challenge suggested by monkeon.. Also open:.. Icon mini challenge.. Naughty Shop Challenge.. Celebrity Encounters III.. I once stood next to Ian Beale out of EastEnders in the gents' toilets at the BBC.. BEAT THAT.. Tell us of celebrity encounters that went well, or meetings with the famous that ended up as a complete disaster.. (And we'll take it as read you've just made up a "I got touched up by Jimmy Savile" story, OK?).. Suggested by Munsta.. Off Topic.. Question of the Week suggestions.. Image Challenge suggestions.. Bugs and feature requests.. Top Tips.. Thu, 19th Dec.. Well is welcome to pop to the pub with us.. He-cat or She-cat.. Lady cat or Man cat? Can you tell? Tip: girl cats have slightly more triangular faces.. You can't spell.. We can't spell either.. But that doesn't stop us being horrid and rude to thickos.. Realistic Internet Simulator.. Kill the pop-ups before the blue screen of death kills you.. Classical Look-a-likes.. Fancied a bit of culture, so me and the missus popped down to the National Gallery.. Tom Reynolds - Random Acts of Reality.. Tom Reynolds has been blogging his working day in the London ambulance services for oooh, ages now.. We once wrote, "Publishers: sign up this guy to write a book, really - you'd have a surprise hit on your hands.. " Turns out we were right, Tom has been snapped up and has hardly been out of the top ten ever since.. B3ta newsletter 610, out now.. - contains a human pretending to be a cat gif.. You'll like it.. Read newsletter 610.. published by.. rob.. on 6th Dec at 5pm.. (And we'll take it as read you've just made up a "I got touched up by Jimmy Savile" story, OK?).. Read all 204 stories.. (open).. asked by.. Scaryduck.. on 5th Dec at 1pm.. See all 146 images.. set by.. Fraser.. on 5th Dec at 12am.. The world outside my window.. Time-Lapses of Earth from the ISS.. Really quite beautiful, and worth full screening.. See all 20 popular links.. (9 made popular today).. linked to by.. Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver.. on 8th Dec at 10pm.. There is a.. B3ta newsletter issue 609.. , it has some cool stuff with animated chocolate wrappers, a flying pirate ship and an animation about the Doge.. Why not try it?.. Read newsletter 609.. on 29th Nov at 7pm.. Self-Inflicted injuries.. Spanishfly asks: Ever injured yourself in a moment of frustration? When have you ever done something stupid or sensible that has ended up with you injured? Punched an Asda sign because they didn't have tiger bread? Yeah, us too.. This isn't a question about intentional self-harm.. Read all 156 stories.. (closed).. on 28th Nov at 1pm.. Sell the Un-sellable.. Pick  ...   David Hasselhoff singing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme.. So something for everyone.. Read newsletter 606.. on 8th Nov at 5pm.. Theft.. Ever stolen something? Own up to the B3ta Police.. Ever been the victim of theft? Grass somebody up.. Thanks to fucksocks for the suggestion.. Read all 151 stories.. on 7th Nov at 12pm.. Mobile Phones In History.. This week's herculean task is to demonstrate, using webskillz, how the presence of mobile phones might have altered great moments in history.. Challenge suggested by Dr.. Dunno.. See all 133 images.. on 7th Nov at 8am.. B3ta newsletter issue 605.. is out now! There's cool stuff that we can't remember because we wrote it in a daze.. But, er, wedding in a box, Daily mail or Stormfront, the internet's blingiest cats.. Read newsletter 605.. on 1st Nov at 6pm.. Fancy Dress Failures Pt 2.. Janet Aylia asks, "Did you go all-out only to find you'd fallen for the age-old 'you're the only one who dressed up' gag? Did you wrap yourself in cotton wool and ketchup and offend the local vicar by dressing as a tampon?".. Read all 142 stories.. chthonic.. on 31st Oct at 8pm.. The Hollywood Internet.. What if the internet existed in classic films? How would the characters have made use of it? How would they have been marketed? What plots would have been ruined, and which enhanced? Please show us, via the medium of image-based web humour.. Challenge suggested by Monkeon.. See all 140 images.. on 31st Oct at 8am.. B3ta newsletter issue 604.. is out now! Retro-computers as keyboards, sushi cats, a neon stickman toddler and George Osborne's Austerity Ninja.. Read newsletter 604.. on 25th Oct at 5pm.. Lego.. Battered wonders, "What amazing stuff have you got up to with Lego?" Or just tell us about the time you got a Lego brick stuck up your privates.. All people referring to 'Legos' will be shot at down.. Or dawn.. Your choice.. Read all 170 stories.. on 24th Oct at 3pm.. Soviet Propaganda UK.. Comrades! This week's Proletariat challenge is to take Soviet propaganda posters and update them to reflect life in modern Britain.. Fight the Bourgeoisie! With revolution! And Photoshop!.. See all 126 images.. on 23rd Oct at 9pm.. The new hotness is.. B3ta newsletter issue 603.. By 'hotness' we mean 'newsletter', of course.. This week: Game of Thrones, hidden willies, spywear and cake-o-matic.. Read newsletter 603.. on 18th Oct at 4pm.. Bad Dates.. Tell us about your least successful date.. Arrive late? Forget their name? Show them goatse on your phone just as the main course arrived? Or was it the other way around?.. Read all 131 stories.. on 17th Oct at 4pm.. Chickens!.. The humble chicken is one of the most popular meals across the globe, but it's never been celebrated with its own b3ta image challenge.. This week, we're putting that right.. Chickens.. Go mental.. See all 169 images.. on 17th Oct at 8am.. You thought we had forgotten.. You thought we had forgiven.. Witness now the terrible vengeance of.. B3ta newsletter issue 602.. Features dogs, willy-beakers and sausage art.. Read newsletter 602.. on 11th Oct at 5pm.. Irrational people.. Freddie Woo tells us "I'm having to drive 500 miles to pick up my son from the ex's house because she won't let him take the train in case he gets off at the wrong station.. He's 19 years old and has A-Levels and everything.. " - Tell us about illogical and irrational people who get on your nerves.. Read all 135 stories.. on 10th Oct at 12pm.. Everything in Reverse.. This week's challenge is like all b3ta challenges at once: Make the World backwards.. Like the audience on stage with the band watching.. Like socialist tories and tory socialists.. Like Princess Di papping photographers and the Queen begging for loose change.. Like orange lemons and.. you get the idea.. Challenge suggested by Memaxx.. See all 138 images.. on 10th Oct at 12am..

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  • Title: B3TA : EMAIL US
    Descriptive info: EMAIL US.. You can use this form to contact us, but please.. read the FAQ.. first as it answers many often asked questions.. Also, you can stick interesting links on the.. links board.. , but if you've made something yourself then it's.. always a good idea.. to tell us about it via this form below.. Your email address:.. Your  ...   message:.. I don't read instructions, my email will be deleted.. Pimp my project in the newsletter, please.. I've found a cool link.. Feedback on latest newsletter.. Messageboard stuff: icons, donations & trolls.. Advertising or business enquiry.. Other.. We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net.. --------------------.. THIS WEEKS HEADLINES.. READ LATEST ISSUE..

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  • Title: b3ta.com board
    Descriptive info: b3ta.. board.. You are not logged in.. Login.. or.. Signup.. Main Board |.. Talk Board.. |.. Links Board.. Calendar.. Question of the Week.. Image Challenge.. Newsletter.. FAQ.. Post a new message.. View older messages.. Popular.. Search.. My Images.. FLANTERGOOSE!!!.. Jabberwoc.. misses D.. R.. and Quinch.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:49,.. Reply.. Ah, the Flanfield B3tageist.. Schoking stuff.. I made a hat today.. Colonel Boris.. Nimble little minx, in't she?.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:11,.. I think Ghostwatch was based on the case.. Congratulations on the hat.. Is it a Fedora?.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:17,.. She don't spit :).. herman:D.. on snapchat hermanb3ta.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:55,.. atomic.. A-bomb-a-nation.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:10,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:22,.. Great mindz and all that.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:18,.. h3donist.. wibble.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:23,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:24,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:33,.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:28,.. PedroHin.. i dont like my xmas tree :( I want antlers!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:43,.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:02,.. addickted.. has attained freedom.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:10,.. 3.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:21,.. :).. Cakie.. capable runt.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:41,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:53,.. boldly.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:58,.. Frogbeat.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:22,.. I'm going to use this thread.. when people next accuse me of posting NSFW because there's a tiny flash of skin.. Somehow that would be NSFW, but this thread, replete with whacking great cocks, is totally fine.. (Hint to mods, if we have any left: I am not suggesting we make CDCs NSFW.. I do, however, like talking in acronyms.. boris the spider.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:50,.. fuck me i'm on fucking fire.. i'll have to make me a picture or two after work.. Happy candles!.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:13,.. Crabby Handles!.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:31,.. BorisKarloff.. has four cats and one shitty dog.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:01,.. She's definitely considering it.. The lengths these pop stars go to to out do each other.. First Miley twerks Santa now Jerky J is bumming a Dalek.. HappyToast.. Groat froth.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:01,.. Nice.. IN.. SE.. MI.. NATE !.. paranoiaman.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:26,.. Haha.. cowcat.. accupressure is murder!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:50,.. ha !.. The Twisted Omentum.. anger is an energy.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:41,.. :D.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:49,.. sexy tiem.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:07,.. Would.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:25,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:30,.. me want snackies.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:23,.. Pinky or Perky.. Not sure which.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:08,.. hellyeah.. WANT.. Shelving.. , Mon 9 Dec, 1:38,.. WHITE WEE-WEE!! WHITE WEE-WEE!!.. I'm a Z- Lister.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:46,.. ris on too many levels :D.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:56,.. This is Joey Essex from TV show The Only Way is Essex, who released a non-hit single called Reem which sounds like a paper measure.. Many questions remain, though, such as, why are they camping in a wood? Why is he being taught basic concepts as if he had been found wandering there? How.. do.. you tell the time by inspecting some dirty leaves?.. _Felix.. 's school of dance and occult sciences.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:13,.. Okay so it is not a very good joke.. meh.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:15,.. No, I get the feeling it's a pretty good joke.. Needs further study, eventually I'll get it.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:25,.. Prolly not worth the effort !.. DE-ris - maybe !.. De-Ris,.. ah, and ugh.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:30,.. Ancient pea.. Larry Death.. Anger Pain Fear Aggression.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:23,.. He looks very disappointed.. maybe they didn't have the tees he likes.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:10,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:10,.. amazing cat-o-vision.. Dick Wonder.. a winky, wavy wonder.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:15,.. Wowsers.. spazzcaptain.. Misses Valin @.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:31,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:48,.. \o/.. Acid trails.. 'click'.. MadCatMan.. When I was a child I had a fleeting glimpse.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:33,.. still not feeling festive yet.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:44,.. It's about time Papyrus got some recognition around here.. 7442200 7696970 getter.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:48,.. it can only legally be used for Biblical lols.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:50,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:09,.. Carry On Hitler.. More of this!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:40,.. Send Panzers to the rear.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:02,.. Hahaha!.. da5id.. something witty here.. Should have used late rooms !.. woo btw.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:43,.. haha excellent.. dirk speedrift.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:11,.. Ahahaha!.. That's ace.. Tagnut.. full of beery goodness.. , Sun 8 Dec, 23:18,.. , Mon 9 Dec, 0:06,.. Great Idea For A Christmas Present?.. delboyonline.. Doctor Who, You're So Big (On the inside)!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:37,.. Phil McAvity?.. Ghoti Fingers.. D'ya like my eyebrows? I shaved 'em all off.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:24,.. Phil Uranus?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:33,.. Co written by Ben Doon I presume ?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:42,.. Asian guy; Poon Tang.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:31,.. Safety Last.. Click for bigger (325 kb).. For all the laughs me and my dad had, watching Harold fanny about so clverly.. normix.. , Sun 8 Dec, 19:22,.. Took me a while to spot it!.. Woo.. schmonkeon www.. monkeon.. co.. uk.. , Sun 8 Dec, 19:28,.. Quite subtle there.. An Egg.. because un uf is enough.. , Sun 8 Dec, 19:37,.. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms.. Harold Lloyd was great, and this stunt is all the more remarkable for the fact he's missing  ...   Aaa-ahhh.. sing along now.. spotify:track:60kLSSanmTab79mmkgvY9T.. (Pitbull by Jega).. ed: Unexpected Funk.. edd#: Ahhh, I see, the sample, nice one.. such cheery outfits.. like happy little mountaintops.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:50,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:10,.. arf!.. Great action!.. *copies*.. *is sent out of the living room by wife*.. ivesb.. Assistant Clinical Physiologist crapbag.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:11,.. BAN THIS SICK FILTH.. brb's festive name.. apophenia enabler.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:13,.. absolutely.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:14,.. Some people are at work, you know.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:15,.. ON THE LORDS DAY!?.. *wraths*.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:16,.. more fool them ;-).. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:19,.. Well, while you're making whatever self-righteous little point you were trying to.. I'm sure many are adding you to their ignore list.. Well done, you!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:25,.. O got deja vu !.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:27,.. I have amnesia and deja vu together.. now, whenever I forget something, I get a strange feeling that I have forgotten it before!.. I haven't been on 'board for a while now.. Is it always like this now?.. Not that I've noticed.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:29,.. It's usually quieter.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:42,.. it's become very complicated.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:56,.. that's no way to treat a draught excluder.. Smash Monkey.. O'Sullivan, you disappoint me.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:18,.. what - give it to Michael Grove ?.. wouldn't give him the steam off my shit.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:36,.. why not, they work as hard as anything else!.. Don't they deserve a little reward?.. =].. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:22,.. yes.. but think of the friction burns!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:37,.. _.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:46,.. and now i have feet to massage :(.. 'bye!.. panto dame eyebrows.. I'd expect nothing less from him.. It's Michael Gove.. EDIT: I never intended to upset anyone so I'll linkify it.. But FFS it's just a coloured in cunt from a colouring book.. What's the fucking issue here?.. Clicky.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:16,.. Where the fuck are the mods who were so happy with the step hammer earlier this year?.. 'comedy' christmas name.. I'm a ninja in my caddy.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:17,.. A photograph of a sketch of a vagina is okay I think.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:20,.. But WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE MODS WHO WERE SO HAPPY WITH THE STEP HAMMER EARLIER THIS YEAR?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:21,.. Dunno, soz.. Do you think I need a steppin'?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:22,.. No, I'm just asking.. com/questions/overcomingadversity/post1808502.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:23,.. It's alright, one of them will be along in 11 or 12 hours to change your post into a link, until then feel free to fill this thread with scat, child porn and whatever else takes your fancy.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:25,.. Not sure what your point is.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:26,.. Here,.. I'll start you off.. Are you okay?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:28,.. com/u/0d2ba503c5487a5f8adb/a-problem-like-maria.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:30,.. com/u/0d2ba503c5487a5f8adb/tommycruise.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:35,.. The Hedgehog From Hell.. sweeping statement, link to unreliable website.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:47,.. Stunned and disdainful, hahaha.. , Sun 8 Dec, 18:51,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:38,.. Calm down it's Sunday.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:43,.. Speed this fucking place is moving now, it'll still be top of the page come tuesday morning.. :(.. oh That's true.. MODZZZ!!!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:52,.. Thye iz buzy.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:57,.. Let's all calm down and listen to some nice music.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:01,.. *taps foot in time*.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:08,.. Hahahaha.. , Sun 8 Dec, 18:52,.. Was there some drama during my non step hammer enforced hiatus period?.. No idea.. I think comedy account is having a breakdown though.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:37,.. NO U.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:46,.. SFW Version :-).. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:03,.. *titters*.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:12,.. if i wanted to see that, i'd stand on a mirror.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:19,.. If i wanted to see that,.. I'd ignore the restraining order and snoop round the bathroom window again!.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:59,.. NSFW old chap.. Really?.. The drawing of genitals or Michael Gove?.. Some peeps might be at work.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:32,.. Do we NSFW crudely drawn cocks now?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:34,.. If yours was a crudely drawn magenta cunt then there might be a comparison.. anyways it's up to you.. Well it's rather crudely photgraphed and crudely coloured in with images of Michael Gove.. Not sure why a drawn cock should be less NSFW than a drawn vag, but that wasn't the point I was even trying to make.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:40,.. Kerrisis.. There's someone in my head, but it's not me.. I really don't understand the hostility.. It's just a vagina coloured in with Michael Gove.. What's actually the issue here?.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:51,.. Ignored! Wow.. , Sun 8 Dec, 17:23,.. I don't think there was any hostility fella.. no-one was shouting cunt and such like :).. Ah so I'm not the only one here with a copy of the Cunt Coloring Book.. It was a gift from a friend.. He's been on at me to use it somehow.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:36,.. I almost fell in.. Mum?.. BumCoiffure.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:48,.. , Sun 8 Dec, 16:50,.. miss babs.. , Sun 8 Dec, 20:12,.. ^ upset.. The Goderator.. sitting staring at her expensive sword.. Fucking livid.. I could flip out at any moment.. would.. , Sun 8 Dec, 21:12,.. Older messages..

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  • Title: b3ta.com talk
    Descriptive info: talk.. Main Board.. | Talk Board |.. Anything good on the telly tonight?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:23,.. There is on mine.. TiVololololololololol.. Dave Trouser.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:36,.. The internet.. Lister of Smeg.. No talking.. No smoking.. Follow the orange line.. , Mon 9 Dec 2013, 0:01,.. I have internets on my TV.. Annoying ads and popups though.. I need to hack it so I can install firefox or opera or summink.. , Mon 9 Dec 2013, 0:20,.. bored of that now.. if you were a massive cunt like mr horrible then how would you kill yourself?.. Thomas Crapper.. THE FRANKIE BOYLE OF /TALK.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:24,.. i dunno, how would you top yourself?.. The Doveston.. haunted by the memory of his own amnesia.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:28,.. I reckon Frank would be found dead with a parrot partially inserted into his gaping anus.. just saying, like.. mr horrible.. prick wanker.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:30,.. whoa, why are you imagining frank's gaping anus?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:31,.. I've got the fucking horn, ok?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:32,.. wanker.. also trips.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:34,.. get fucked you immense penis.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:35,.. ^.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:36,.. hey that was my answer.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:39,.. Check it.. beta.. com/.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:57,.. not clickin that, could be a virus, soz.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:58,.. It wasn't for you anyway, it's MIKE'S link.. You aren't even allowed to click it.. Now go and be edgy in a new thread.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:03,.. idgi.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:10,.. If you see a website about software testing, it did not work.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:12,.. because he's a massive cunt.. not sure why I'm having to point this out to you again.. something about cunts.. /ac.. well overdosing isn't nearly as reliable as people think.. and jumping off tall buildings, that's actually got about a 50% survival rate but you end up crippled for life, gunshot to the head is about the best way so yeah, if I was a massive cunt like mr horrible then I reckon I'd shoot myself in the head.. buy me a gun and I'll think about it.. buy me a gun too, i won't shoot myself but i might shoot someone else.. it's win win for us all.. Crap methods.. Helium tank and an oxygen mask.. Painless and quick.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:05,.. Jumping in front of a train, that's always a good one.. Manger Turd.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:27,.. i'd cut me knob off and fuck meself to death with it.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:29,.. cor, any chance you could turn your webcam on for that?.. it'd go all flacid though once you disconnect it from a blood supply.. erm, i'm freezing it, duhh.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:38,.. don't think that would work soz.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:41,.. don't see how it wouldn't.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:48,.. might want to practice with a frozen dog poo, get your technique down before you commit to the penis severing.. who needs dog poo when i produce my own poo.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:49,.. suicide.. it tends to be the best way of killing yourself.. If I was a massive cunt like mr horrible I'd try suicide.. I hear that works.. I see what you did, and it disgusts me.. it's 50/50.. or so I hear.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:37,.. I find myself liking mr horrible more and more.. For some reason.. they all say that.. now fuck off.. Fucking off now, sir.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:40,.. brb for most butthurt forum user of 2013.. I'm included in something! Yay!.. Probably because you're a massive gay.. 2 Can Chunder.. I've got you wrapped around my finger.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:42,.. Kurt Angle vs Magnus now.. hahaha.. It's an ironic name coz mr horrible is actually quite nice.. so you claim.. PRICK.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:45,.. alright HATD, care to pleasure me orally?.. I would, but I'm washing my hair.. so you can get fucked.. what, like whisper sweet nothings into your ear?.. this joke is funny because it uses the comedic confusion between the words oral and aural , that's why this joke is funny.. well shit me.. jokes that have to be explained are the best jokes.. this joke is funny because jokes that have to be explained are clearly not the best jokes.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:47,.. this joke is funny because you point out why jokes are funny.. tangledupinyule.. dancing about architecture.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:51,.. this joke is funny because really no one needs to be told why jokes are funny.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:52,.. check em.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:53,.. is this joke funny?.. this joke is funny because it seeks to undermine my confidence in my joke telling abilities.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:54,.. this joke is funny because only a prick would care what anyone here thinks of their joke telling abilities.. I have my mouth full at the moment soz.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:46,.. this joke is funny because it implies that you may be performing fellatio.. I'm eating nuts.. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.. I actually am.. Dry roasted.. you know what right, I can't eat nuts, any kind of nuts makes me fucking gag, nuts are shit, fuck nuts, fuck nuts right in the fucking ear man.. You got 99 problems.. and nuts are every single one of them.. this joke is funny because it contains a pop culture reference.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:55,.. You are NUTS you are!!!.. If I was Mr Horrible I wouldn't have time to think about how I'd kill mysef, I'd be too busy trying to kill myself.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:44,.. this joke is funny because it reaffirms the comedic statement that mr horrible should kill himself.. All joking aside, you should kill yourself.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:00,.. how should he kill himself?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:02,.. I would accept any of the methods already suggested in this thread.. but probably this one.. com/talk/7700545.. jumping in front of a train has a pretty good success rate and is easy to do.. this joke is funny because no one would actually think that jumping in front of a train is difficult.. you reckon you could do it?.. this joke is funny because clearly most people have no difficulty jumping in front of trains.. I almost forgot myself:.. Remember to put your bins out.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:15,.. fuck off, Friday is bin day now.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:22,.. ours is thursday.. You must live at the shitty end of the street.. Dr.. Shambolic.. a cantankerous, raisin-cocked pisswizard.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:23,.. there's a reason for that.. local council cutbacks?.. no, I just live at the shitty end of the street.. you should try harder then you won't be so rubbish.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:33,.. Fucking chevron.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:13,.. We've been over this before.. Remember this thread title on the night you're supposed to put your bins out.. Ours is every other thursday, this thursday is recycling box.. Drank a lot of beer last week though.. I'm gonna need a bigger box.. correct.. Proper chevron.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:14,.. I've discovered this wierd old tip.. to make local girls in my area increase all of my wants.. Everyone hates me except you.. shift.. spendips make me sad inside.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:40,.. BUMHOLES.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:41,.. silly old bum.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:44,.. who do you think you are coming on here and using up our threads, you fucker.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:43,.. bill hicks is alex jones.. QED.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:47,.. hey mike this thread's kinda sucky, you should start one.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:59,.. yeah, sort it out mike.. this shit is fucking shit.. stop agreeing with me cunt.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:00,.. fuck off you parrot-fucking twatmobile.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:11,..  ...   a dreadful troll.. maybe then you'd be a valuable member of society.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 14:03,.. someone wont be getting any meth this xmas.. you fuckers don't know what you have lost.. *empties brains into void*.. wtf rip ssg lol gtb.. rigby.. happened on.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 4:56,.. he was a prince among men, he loved this time of year too :(.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 5:25,.. and only 16 days till christmas.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 5:42,.. and his favourite nuts were.. blatant half spice mandelas.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 6:55,.. i just got attacked by a mountain lion in gtav, this game is lulz.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 7:46,.. typical yank calling a puma a lion.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 8:39,.. lol, puma are trainers you fick fuc.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 9:01,.. yeah I bet ur mum made you wear plimsolls and girl socks.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 11:10,.. she didnt make me.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 12:26,.. *empties brain into Lincoln convertible*.. JFK.. I need you like a hole in the head.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 6:57,.. I don't get it.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 13:00,.. Question?.. what the deal with giving chicks animal parts.. bestiality or sick fantasy for weak men, please help.. So is it a representation of the beast in chicks or what.. As deep as I am into the female form and art.. and for the fact i do have a wild imagination.. I just never got the animal female hybrid, found it to close to bestiality.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 13:01,.. Not my area of expertise, sorry.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 13:10,.. Southport motherfucker yeah so.. morning.. Spanishfly.. is a needy spastic.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:36,.. is that the one with lordship lane.. vladimir.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:42,.. actually don't worry, I googled, it's lord street.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:48,.. bye-eeee!.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:49,.. I have family there.. Are you someone I know?.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 23:02,.. Categorize this video(Select all that apply)AmateurAnalAsianBBWBig ButtBig TitsBisexualBlondeBlowjobBrunetteCOEDCompilationCouplesCreampieCumshotsCuniligusDildos/ToysDPEbonyEuropeanFacialFantasyFetishFingeringFunnyGayGermanGonzoGroup sexHairyHandjobHDHentaiInstructionalInteracialInterviewKissingLatinaLesbianMassageMasturbateMatureMILFPantiesPantyhosePOVPublicRedheadRimmingRomanticShavedShemaleSolo girlSolo maleSquirtingStraight sexSwallowTeenThreesomeVintageVoyeurWebcamYoung/Old2Production QualityHomemadeorProfessional.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 23:52,.. all of the above.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 0:03,.. HairyHandjob.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 4:57,.. Jesus you'd think it happens every day with the amount of times it seems to be morning.. spacemanDOUG.. not long now.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 1:16,.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 19:35,.. no.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 19:47,.. :/.. SSG said that 'change the record' meant to alter charters around the time of Magna Carta, btw.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 19:56,.. oh he did, did he?.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 19:57,.. I think so.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:39,.. were the charters particularly repetitive?.. He didn't say.. You know how terse he can be sometimes.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:41,.. Like a commercial radio playlist.. magnum.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:50,.. ^ old enough to remember.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:07,.. just watched last night's QI on iPlayer.. probably a repeat of Salvage Hunters on Quest.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:09,.. Sorry to get your hopes up.. it's not Salvage Hunters.. 20.. 00 - 07 Dec.. Baby Mammoth.. In Siberia the remains of a baby woolly mammoth have been found.. Palaeontologists and geneticists join forces to find out how it lived and died.. Can they crack its genetic code?.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:15,.. they always talk about getting the dna and bringing them back to life, once a year that shit hits the papers.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:44,.. yeah, but imagine going to the zoo and seeing a mammoth there.. be brill.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:52,.. but what if it broke out and started rampaging across the arctic tundra? the horror.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:55,.. wouldn't be much vegetation for them to munch on there.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:04,.. Arctic roll.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:07,.. nice.. Oh mongy, I had a zinger during a Christmas quiz the other day.. the question was something like what was the 2011 Xmas number one.. and a guy goes "was it wham!?" all lol like, and I say "no, that was Last Christmas".. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:13,.. that is fanny tastic, 10 points to magnum, i hope you called the burn unit for the lad.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:18,.. my dad got burned the other week.. Oh, not seriously I hope?.. They don't fuck about at the crematorium.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:20,.. sorry to hear that mags, no really i am.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:33,.. i need a new laptop mags, any recomendations, money aint a problem, want it quick and not touchscreen or anything.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:41,.. My only recommendation is avoid Windows 8.. I got a new laptop last week as my old one went pop, and as it was work needed it quickly and they only had ones with 8 in the budget.. In the end I bought the one with the nicest case as that was pretty much the main difference for the budget I was given.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:48,.. i thought they had fixed window 8 now? made it user friendly, i'll probably get a sony then to go with the new tv and ps4.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 21:51,.. not really, still quite bad imo.. seems to be designed for touch devices, so on laptops it's a bit clunky.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:02,.. they all seem to be windows 8, perhaps i'll get the touchscreen then.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 22:20,.. I like how its optimised for touch.. When probably 2% of devices that run it are actually touch enabled.. trading places film 4, no explosions but it has got tit, hth : ).. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:19,.. Game Of Bones/ Winter Is Cumming (Zero Tolerance) NEW 2013 (Split Scenes).. The Typing Gonz of Fillory.. Holy Moley, the mullah is in guantanamo baloney.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:30,.. you are without a doubt the most tedious cunt on the internet.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:41,.. I, fucked, your mum.. She opened up her leg's; I gave her one.. It was out standing, fucking on the landing.. that's kind of offensive to me as she died six years ago but I suppose you may find it amusing.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:45,.. soz hun hope ur ok.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:47,.. Maybe bury her.. instead of leaving her laying around on the landing.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 17:15,.. says the Frankie Boyle of /talk.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 17:20,.. why did she need another leg?.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 17:53,.. Dildo Baggins.. etc.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:42,.. relevant.. manolith.. - a windmill full of corpses.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:53,.. I don't watch it.. Might start soon, dunno though.. Sounds a bit shit.. I started reading it, but it's just fantasy crap.. Fucking wizards.. It's for lonely children isn't it.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 17:58,.. The bit where the retarded welsh giant buggers the crippled child is brilliant.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 18:30,.. Brace yourself.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 18:54,.. that's no way to talk about SSG.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:43,.. or his son the doveston, MODS.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 20:46,.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 15:29,.. I got an FP man!.. Are you pleased for me?.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 15:30,.. FUCK YOU THEN.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 15:44,.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 15:57,.. checked em.. but it doesn't count if you go to the bottom of the board and post lots of blank posts.. kind of makes it gay if you do that.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:11,.. yeah, that's not a legit GET.. I'll be honest, that's just legit faggotry right there.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:17,.. you are the expert.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:22,.. dubophobe.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:21,.. I'll be honest here, I wish you were dead.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:05,.. he's been dead for years.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:06,.. blue name cunt.. , Sat 7 Dec 2013, 16:12,..

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  • Title: b3ta.com links
    Descriptive info: links.. | Links Board |.. Post a new link.. View older links.. Random.. votes so far today on /links.. Scale of the Universe.. One of those scale of the universe things, however this one really hammered home just how small we are.. Lovely tune too.. , Mon 9 Dec 2013, 0:55,.. Wrecking bauble.. Don't know who made it, sorry.. WeirdWeb.. crap.. my kid saw this over my shoulder as i hit F5.. now this will be on my tree.. :(.. i need more wine.. miss fortunate.. s might be /s drinking on.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:16,.. Laminating to make it jizz proof.. jams.. '.. now get back to your friends'.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:29,.. genius.. teh_raab.. I cant believe its nut butter!.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:48,.. oh booo.. vimeo.. will have to save this for later when i am not on my laptop.. but Happy Sunday Herbs! :D.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:27,.. Thanks gorgeous face!.. Same to you.. I have wine, do you have wine?.. of COURSE i have wine!!!.. You silly lovely person you!!! *CLINK* and *CHHEEERSS*.. *clinks*.. CHEEEEEEERS!.. Oh that's stunning.. I may have just stolen it for my FB.. evil_andy.. is assuming his ultimate form at.. Isn't it.. I felt quiet emotional by the end.. Great stuff, but can anyone on here tell me if the shot 0.. 24-0.. 30 represents actual speed?.. There's quite a bit of time lapse on there, but how fast, relative the earth's surface is the ISS going?.. Badger Catapult Cabaret.. Just completed the mammoth task of cleaning the man-cave,.. now to sample a nice glass of Pinot Grigio (5 gallon, home made) and relax on 1080p.. There's something very Alan Partridge about this comment.. Tab Hunter.. DVDfever: The fat ghost of Simon Weston.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:25,.. The 'man-cave' bit set you off, I can tell.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:32,.. amazing :).. , Mon 9 Dec 2013, 1:13,.. CaC.. tomma.. turn around an bite you every time.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:42,.. *Invests in popcorn futures*.. Fadgebadger.. /links's pedantic bellend.. *buys popcorn in bulk before fadgey artificially drives up prices*.. *decries these contrived capitalist financial instruments that manipulate the market to benefit the 1% to the detriment of the 99%*.. itilliterate.. *Gets taxpayer bailout*.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:09,.. *eats popcorn*.. *is massively unsurprised*.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:17,.. *flicks popcorn at Tabs*.. *something about a large bucket*.. LP.. Remember dum dum who paid for a photo of the xbox one?.. Well looks like he's only gone and bagged himself a free xbox one.. Rewarding stupidity.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:39,.. Can someone please tell him how to make it play XBox 360 games?.. I think it's the least he deserves.. Hahaha.. hahaha!.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:45,.. \0/.. I like your thinking!.. NooShmoo.. It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:51,.. Oh this, please.. Nuisance Value.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:58,.. ^this!.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:01,.. hieronymous bosch.. pcmechanic 4ver in ar harts, goodnite sweet angle.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:21,.. I can't say I'm surprised:.. Girls go for fresh breath and fat wangs.. Sozzers.. And what do you know about what girls want?.. You dont because your gay.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:06,.. i am sorry to say it.. if you were to poll most women, by a fair margin his statement is correct.. That's bollocks.. They'd say they most like a man who's funny.. But they'd all secretly want to suck off his best mate in the toilets because he's taller and better looking.. your reply has made me laugh, and hurt my brain a bit.. in a roundabout way, i think you have just agreed tabby is still correct.. umm anyhoo.. *clink* and cheers.. Yeah, he was right but he doesn't understand why he was right.. which is basically the same as being wrong.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:40,.. Yes!.. this has made me grumpy.. and the guy looks like a tool.. it is illogical that it has upset me, so i am going to smile and pretend it hasn't.. good for him 0_o.. He looks a lot older than 19 too.. Rebel biscuit.. stercore sumus et nos esse novimus.. I said that too! He really does.. He also looks like a potato.. A really STUPID potato.. Unlike all those really clever looking potatoes? *belms*.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:41,.. Now sterilise him!.. too late.. properly depressing.. the fuckwits shall inherit the earth.. com/watch?v=lhAr_UeroCk.. Is it really rewarding stupidity.. So much as exploiting it for easy publicity?.. Big_Dave_from_Mansfield.. The system was intended as a Christmas gift for his four-year-old son.. Do 4 year olds like xboxes?.. edit: In fairness, that scam usually works by only mentioning the picture aspect in the small print.. I'm not sure it is that stupid to fall for it, considering everything else looks genuine.. In this case, the title "XBox One Fifa Day One Edition, Photo Brand New UK 2012" is pretty bad grammar.. , Mon 9 Dec 2013, 0:35,.. Great to see A Field in England nominated on the British Independant Film Awards tonight.. Live stream.. But what does "Best Achievement in Production" actually mean?.. Keeping the catering bill below five grand.. My Front Fell Off.. ; his mouth full of teddies, urinating defiantly.. Pfft!.. Marvellous!.. Now can someone explain to me what the hell it was all  ...   found myself getting extremely cross at Stephen Fry.. Which was a stark contrast to his mental health/aids documentaries.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:37,.. Hmmm.. hmmm.. yes.. I see:.. I read that as "Dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy dappy!!!!!".. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:41,.. Dappy has small hands.. That's all I'm saying.. wrong way round.. I'd use him like a puppet.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:44,.. sexaddictionhelp.. uk/.. So unpleasantly close to an admission of bestiality.. I bet you have sexy thoughts about Danny Dyer too.. You wrong un.. [edit] And please can Pissflaps STOP inviting me to facebook like "Dappy's fan page" (currently with 11 fans).. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:56,.. The problem with Stephen Fry.. Is that he acts extremely clever, without actually being extremely clever.. He drops in some terrible non sequiturs in that all knowing way of his and if you aren't terribly vigilant you just feel stupid for not following his line of reasoning, when in fact he has just spouted terrible baloney.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:48,.. But, he's on telly.. So is.. Paul Ross.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:00,.. admittedly.. not as much as he used to be.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:01,.. Paul Ross memories.. com/watch?v=H-6DsrDfkns.. Stephen Fry has came out?.. This was poor, with many examples of specious reasoning.. But at least it explained his oh-so-principled letter to Putin and his proposed boycott of the winter olympics; it was just cynical publicity generation exercise to promote his new show in general and the Russia segment in particular.. We haven't heard a peep out of him regarding the Qatar world cup and their rabid homophobia, and i doubt we will, unless he has a show on poove-hating in the middle east to hawk.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 21:37,.. He's a twat stinks of shit.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 22:59,.. That's a fair TL;DR.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:38,.. I love the word poove.. Which reminds me: Where's feckler?.. Ian Watkins.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:39,.. Free Occult Books.. PhosphorBurnedEyes.. old borstal tie.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:13,.. I'm also a normal person.. CDC lolz.. darkbooks.. org/photos/Aleister-Crowley/Ac-Idealized-Self-Portrait.. Or.. sacred-texts.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:03,.. She appears to be highly mental.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:24,.. This bloke got caught having a wank in a nightclub bogs, he explains why to the bouncers.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:03,.. bah!.. video starts far too late, he's already pulled his trousers back up.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:12,.. but points added for scat.. BertnotErnie.. predicts the world will end on.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:16,.. A little bird told me that you fancy Dappy.. PLEASE tell me that that's not true.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:20,.. I wouldn't have said fancy.. I just think he'd struggle nicely.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:25,.. I'm with this guy.. we all have to jerk off when we need to, even when visiting relatives.. and that really was his girlfriend.. The last words on the vid are.. "I recorded that whole.. ".. what you didn't hear was.. ".. video in portrait because I am a cunt.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:22,.. Tosser.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:45,.. At least bouncers were not aggressive and he tried to explain himself.. omnitruncatedkraken.. from Empire Algol.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:59,.. I don't disagree.. I was just being factual.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:12,.. Brilliant stuff.. I wish I could find things like this.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:05,.. I was just searching youtube for the usual stuff.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 20:25,.. so THAT'S why you're always hanging around the public loos.. You're pretty protective of your turf aren't you?.. it's public property you know.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 23:11,.. Caravan -Winter wine.. Sherbets Leaf.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 17:43,.. That's a nice song about a kebab.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:06,.. *flashbacks*.. Christ I used to LOVE that album.. I tried to listen to In the land of grey and pink the other day.. The nostalgia trip was too much.. I downloaded the while discography a while back.. I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet.. You goan get TWO ponies.. Love these Maximus Thor vids.. Has this one been here?.. Extinct Jesus Dossier.. ENDUT HOCH HECH.. Derek Acorah as reviewed by Harry Hill.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 17:28,.. that managed to treat Derek.. with more seriousness than he deserves.. a master at work.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 17:36,.. I'm getting the name David.. has anyone here lost a david?.. I see him wearing a suit with a tie.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:26,.. I have an uncle called Brian.. who once wore a boilersuit - is it him?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:30,.. Ermm.. I am called David and I am wearing a suit and tie.. UNCANNY!.. are you some sort of space wizard?.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 18:37,.. The courts run at weekends now?.. Good luck with that defence btw.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:07,.. Thanks.. I'm up for spreading rumours that the Pope is getting thin,.. I'm gonna plead not guilty but our brief says I can win.. , Sun 8 Dec 2013, 19:16,..

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  • Title: b3ta.com calendar
    Descriptive info: calendar.. | Calendar |.. Home.. Upcoming events.. Post A New Event.. Main board.. Talk board.. Flickr Pool.. this month.. next month.. Thu.. 19.. Dec.. 5.. :00.. , The Voe Tavern.. baldmonkey.. 24.. 12.. 27.. Feb.. 23.. gibbon wee massage, chéz cowfoot.. King Zog of Albania.. 4.. 5.. Sat.. 31.. May.. 17.. London Bash and Drinkie Doodle 2014,  ...   WITH BOOZE!, the swan pub.. 2.. 1.. Tue.. 2.. 4ustralians?, A modest island continent just north of Antarctica.. s0ckpuppet.. 3.. 25.. 11.. Do me up the wrong-un, Outside Boots The Chemist, Balham High Street.. Baldmonkey's Mum.. alright, alright.. woocfot.. 14.. :45.. Balloon Bash, cheshire cheese.. RichardHead.. 0.. 12.. :15.. God to let Frank out of sandbox, /talk.. 6..

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  • Title: b3ta.com qotw
    Descriptive info: qotw.. There are 6 open questions:.. (204 stories) - "Not sure 'celebrity' is the right word, but it all panned out pretty well in the end.. I was outside a Brixton venue, maybe The Fridge before it was Th " -.. says J H Christ.. (6408 stories) - "Convince someone you're a plastic bag by choking a turtle.. " -.. says SigourneysBeaver.. (1487 stories) - "search is broken and ignore and Gaz and the front page layout is dated and the images chosen for the front page are pretty but dull as fuck" -.. says Dr.. (5191 stories) - "Dogs of the future Humans have ruined dogs with selective breeding, as these comparisons between breeds now and 100 years ago show.. What will they " -.. says The Hedgehog From Hell.. (6812 stories) - "What do you do when you think nobody can see you? " -.. says BraynDedd.. (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.. Previous 503 questions:.. (156 stories) - "Mom had a twisted sense of humor My friend T and I spent a year living with my parents and working in a sheet metal shop to save up some money before " -.. says Wahoo.. (125 stories) - "I went for this job right and the geezer asks me what is my biggest weakness? I said, "It's probably my honesty.. " He said, "I don't think honest " -.. says edjogs.. (181 stories) - "My Downfall I sit here on a wet Monday afternoon, in my pants and bathrobe, having done precisely nothing all day.. Why? Because I am an attention-seek " -.. says Frank Snow.. (151 stories) - "Customs & Excise Bored on an october weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for the channel tunnel and went for a drive around Normandy.. Didnt " -.. says CarpeCyprinidae.. (142 stories) - "Years ago.. My mate and I were on our way to a fancy dress party, both of us dressed as coppers.. We decided it would be a laugh to see if we could ac " -.. says Joy Division Oven Gloves.. (170 stories) - "My dad recently sold his house and before he handed the keys over he asked me to clear all of my junk out of the loft.. There was a lot of it; dozens " -.. says Paolo Nutini's Bikini.. (131 stories) - "She'll do During a dry spell, my mate Malcy the Alcy (this was the 90's, way before anyone could even spell nominative determinism) rang me.. He had re " -.. says I have run out of coke.. (135 stories) - "oh yes of course - religion! Definitely irrational.. A rambling story of my descent into and eventual escape from religious fundamentalism I used to " -.. says mistafeesh.. Why I Love/Hate Britain.. (147 stories) - "Confessions of a Pathetic Anglophile.. Here's the thing, I was born in South Africa.. My ancestors are from all over north-western Europe, with a slight " -.. says Ladyfingers.. Pure Fury.. (151 stories) - "You never forget the first time I once had a girlfriend, a girl who has appeared in these annals under the monicker "Batshit Mentalist" on many occa " -.. says moon monkey.. Twat Friends.. (105 stories) - "I had a friend called Gordon.. One morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just shagged one of the student nurses next door.. 'I've just shagged one " -.. Break-up Stories.. (132 stories) - "Pride and Plastering I met a very nice girl once, well she seemed that way.. She had a cute smile, a flippy fringe, nice legs and a charming ground-fl " -.. says pineapplecharm.. Lurid Work Stories.. (130 stories) - "When my dad was a young copper He was based in a fairly rural police station.. On one of his first mornings there he took a call from a local man whose " -.. says Wet-chinned bag shanker.. Not-stalgia.. (179 stories) - "Never Go Back Revisiting old TV programs, computer games and other pastimes of our youth can be a fun but frivolous waste of adult time.. With the adve " -.. says Albert Marshmallow.. Lead Balloon.. (113 stories) - "Perverted Pantsdown.. Not me.. A bloke I went to uni with called Chris.. 2nd Year, so most of us in the course knew each other well enough to have had " -.. says s0ckpuppet.. Things I've gone off.. (130 stories) - " This is Samantha Fox So declared my mate, sweating heavily next to a tree with a knife in his hand, and gesturing proudly at the long low branch he " -.. Exposed!.. (90 stories) - "Showing Kate Bush my bush A few years ago, my mother dropped the bombshell that Kate Bush was moving in next door.. Obviously I thought it was a cruel " -.. says aerialmeg.. MTFU.. (114 stories) - "From Bad to Worse.. I said goodbye and put down the phone.. There was nothing they could do, she said.. He was still alive when they got to the vet but " -.. Bad gigs.. (238 stories) - "Told this one before.. When I was young, keen and 17, I had a running joke with a not-very-famous band whereby I'd take my bra off during their gig a " -.. says and now for someone completely different.. Unreasonable Cruelty.. (109 stories) - "I may have mentioned before that I do occassional security work.. This is generally quite tedious, until summer arrives, at which point in time it bec " -.. says Munsta.. Body Horror.. (108 stories) - "Kippers Vindaloo After a round of watching Red Dwarf while drunk, a mate and I decided to try all the joke recipes mentioned.. The Triple-Decker Fried " -.. Lucky Escapes.. (132 stories) - "Suburban spelunky As the eldest and best child, I had the attic room at my parents' place.. It had big velux windows that offered a splendid view over " -.. says SimianKid.. Yum!.. (252 stories) - "i made a cake and was rightly proud of it too" -.. says kaptinkurtz.. Social Media Meltdowns.. (80 stories) - "Your Typical Internet Showdown So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook.. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player " -.. School Assemblies.. (128 stories) - "The overhead projector The overhead projector played a key role in school assemblies.. Nothing to do with retail accounting, the overhead projector, or " -.. says browser.. Spoilers.. (191 stories) - "On the subject of my work Probably the best spoiler I ever witness was for the benefit of a young 12yr old Ian (not real name).. A young messer commit " -.. says dazbrilliantwhites.. Ask B3ta.. (453 stories) - " How come this keeps happening? ;)" -.. says sittingduck.. Kids say the shittiest things.. (160 stories) - "They MUST know what they re doing My young kids love animals, so a few months ago the present Mrs PF and I finally caved in to their pleas and b " -.. says Pooflake.. The Emergency Services.. (141 stories) - "My dad was a healthcare professional for over thirty years.. He had saved numerous lives, and would always answer the call of duty no matter what time " -.. My Saviour.. (215 stories) - "This was about ten years ago now I had gone down to the Reading festival - it was generally a fantastic time, and I don't want to do the event a disse " -.. says Lightguy.. Midlife Crisis.. (156 stories) - "I've got a theory.. that my generation (early forties) and younger won't have mid life crises like they used to be.. Here's why: In the olden d " -.. says SonofRojBlake.. Controversial Beliefs.. (221 stories) - "Only asylum seekers should get benefit money People born in the UK have won life's lottery.. Just being mediocre, getting up in the morning and going t " -.. says Brigadier.. Travel.. (128 stories) - "Watch who you cross the border with In 2002 I found myself living in a backpacker hostel in the tiny kingdom of Swaziland with a mad rasta.. Let's cal " -.. Funerals II.. (127 stories) - "Only Sleeping My grandfather died.. The funeral was a solemn affair, as these things usually are.. My grandmother, naturally, was distraught.. They'd " -.. says terryeden.. Surprise!.. (116 stories) - "Unconscious surprise I have a mate (honest) who, despite being in his 40s, loves to scare the bejesus out of people by jumping out of hiding places wh " -.. says Bappage.. Winging It.. (73 stories) - "Winging it on the wing Several years ago my wife, 2 kids, some friends and their two kids were happily sat on a Boeing 747 about to depart for some su " -.. says mrb36.. Brain Fade.. (179 stories) - "One day in Hamburg So there I was, spending a day shopping in Hamburg.. At the end I had amassed 4 carrier bags of stuff, plus one fuckoff-sized bag co " -.. says GermanGuy.. FIGHT!.. (152 stories) - "When talent-nighting, have talent.. The place: Sukhumvit Soi 11, where all strata of Bangkok society shake the drips of Nana sleaze from their clothing " -.. says Gnostic Yeti, MD.. I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again.. (136 stories) - "As a young man I was always a bit kinky, and almost inevitably, as I got older and experimented a bit with my sexuality, I drifted a bit towards the o " -.. says SnowyTheWereRabbit.. Where Did It All Go Wrong?.. (132 stories) - "I sent a cv for a job last week.. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I coul " -.. says cumquat may.. LOL Bigots.. (182 stories) - "My eldest son Dan is a shy lad.. very smart and studious and might be considered by some to be "a nerd".. But he's a nice boy - friendly and wouldn " -.. says Clonk.. Utterly Drunk.. (171 stories) - "This is the story of my last drunk But first a little backgound: 10 years ago I had a good job, people respected me, I earned loads of money, attra " -.. says buffet_the_appetite_slayer.. The Naughty Step.. (104 stories) - "The naughty step indeed I was visiting my old mate Des one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose at a house diagonally opposite.. Des said " -.. says Redemption.. More Pet Stories.. (181 stories) - "Not all cats are cunts My mum grew up in a small cottage in the middle of a wood because my grandparents didn't have a pot to piss in.. They kept pigs " -.. says Draconacticus.. Inflated Self-Importance.. (207 stories) - "Airport Security Mouthbreathing Drone.. Slightly bizzare incident recently; The Oath family was returning home from a fantastic Xmas holiday a few w " -.. says Ken Oath.. Sorry.. (167 stories) - "While working for a while as the sales manager of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the UK (yes, this was a looong time ago), we were having a b " -.. says blyerkit.. Saying the Unsayable.. (99 stories) - "Beer soaked accidental trauma I've been a loyal wingman to Woody ever since the days of Sixth Form.. At the time of this tale, Woody had been working " -.. says Bicycle Repairman.. Dumped.. (123 stories) - "What was I thinking.. I was 13 years old.. It was New Years Day.. My folks always went to my Uncles for a party that evening.. I loved these occasions, I " -.. says spimf.. Relief.. (138 stories) - "I recently got farmed out from my cosy den in the intensive care unit at the Local Hospital Where I Work to one of the medical wards as we were overst " -.. says Amorous Badger.. Overcoming adversity.. (117 stories) - " Goodbye arsehole.. I have had crohn's disease for nigh on 7 years now and admittedly it hasn't killed me, but it fucked my life up that much that it m " -.. says nameless.. Made me laugh.. (176 stories) - "Who says the French aren't funny? When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family.. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our " -.. No Self-Awareness.. (173 stories) - "This is well timed As my story only happened two months ago.. My cash had completely dried up, so six months prior I was forced to take a menial dat " -.. Crazy People off the Internet.. (97 stories) - "First This is one of my favourite nutters I was reminiscing about just the other day.. I develop a slight man crush on Enzyme each time I re-read it.. says Pig Bodine.. Ignored Advice.. (102 stories) - "Not listening in school I was told to study.. Advised to study.. Forced to study, but I had no interest.. School was a minor inconvenience that got in " -.. says Bamboo Steamer.. Destruction, Demolition and Deconstruction.. (95 stories) - "I destroyed the World Trade Centre.. I think I should win the compo" -.. says Hulk Hogan.. Water, boats and all that floats.. (97 stories) - "FUCKING SHARK! I think pilots call it a black hole illusion.. A suitably ominous term for the feeling of disorientation caused by approaching a fixed " -.. Dressing Up.. (100 stories) - "The hallucinogenic qualities of boredom.. 12 years ago I shared a house with two old school friends.. As I have described elsewhere in various QOTWs, " -.. says Fart through a Walkie Talkie.. Getting other people into trouble.. (70 stories) - "It was my birthday and two friends took my girlfriend and me out to dinner at a fairly posh restaurant.. It looked to be a very pleasant evening, with " -.. says The Resident Loon.. The best thing I've built.. (93 stories) - "These are the best things I've built I built these two Daleks between 2005 and 2007.. The black Dalek is all made of wood (various thicknesses of p " -.. says drdavej.. Driven to Madness.. (304 stories) - "people who discuss x-factor like it has any kind of value at all on any level whatsoever.. it's a bunch of mongs mong stood on stage pleading with t " -.. says tjn.. Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics.. (131 stories) - "My grandfather Villan? No.. Rogue? Depends on who you ask.. Eccentric? Probably.. Married to my grandmother, he begat my mother (yes, begat) 10 years " -.. says groover j lazerus.. Shit Claims to Fame II.. (675 stories) - "OMD? OMG! The Um Bongo Incident.. Too many short answers! Please allow me to balance it out with some longwinded wank.. I used to work fo " -.. B3TA Most Haunted.. (195 stories) - "Jim There was once this bloke in my local, used to come in three or four times a week, and sit by himself drinking.. He was quite tall and thin with a " -.. says Dr Skagra.. Worst Person for the Job.. (160 stories) - "Mallow I used to work in a confectionary factory to earn a bit of cash out of Uni.. This place made lots of things, doughnuts, cake toppings Fudge ( " -.. says Dan dan dan.. Ignorance.. (246 stories) - "Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists.. I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have lik " -.. says INGSOC.. The Wank Bank.. (114 stories) - "Such vivid memories 1.. This one time I got bored of the Just Fucking White colour of my bedroom walls, so I fed my girlfriend nothing but beetroot for " -.. Foot in Mouth Syndrome II.. (148 stories) - "What not to say for a quiet life.. So, about 6 or 7 years ago now, I found myself working for a logistics company in their shiny new head office.. It " -.. says Ryushin.. Home Science.. (125 stories) - "Putting the 'Ooooh' in 'Tenuous' It was a dark winter's evening a few years ago.. Mrs Costas and I had just battled through the usual hour-long struggl " -.. says costas.. Screwed over by The Man.. (84 stories) - "I went out for a couple of quiet drinks with my friends and when I woke up the next morning I found that my complete shit of a husband had put spunk i " -.. says woo yay houpla panowie.. Tantrums.. (119 stories) - "Not quite a tantrum.. on the weekend my wife went out with her old school friends for a "get together".. "we'll just have a few, I'm not a sad " -.. Why will you burn in hell?.. (155 stories) - "Well.. this wot I wrote a while ago, drunkenly, as a response to Rory Lyon's odd and unrelenting focus upon a B3ta stalwart's mother, and never post " -.. says Happy Phantom.. Cunning Plans.. (113 stories) - "When I was a child I found a lot of money lying around the house in a box at home.. There was so much money there that I thought nobody would miss one " -.. says bROKEN aRROW.. The B3ta Cookbook.. (265 stories) - "FIRE IN THE HOLE! I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli " -.. says UppityDamnPrimate.. Clubs, gangs, and societies.. (208 stories) - "My Beer Club.. I run a Beer Club at my work (The Hop Hounds).. Each payday 50 of us deposit a small percent of our pay into a central account.. We let " -.. The Apocalypse.. (165 stories) - "Bushfire It s long one.. but worth telling.. My family lived in the bush, on a few cleared acres at the base of a mountain, surrounded by dense Eu " -.. Getting Old.. (357 stories) - "Getting Old.. I appreciate it.. As the saying goes.. 'Old age and treachery beats youth and enthusiam everytime.. ' I'm better in my 40's at cooking, ma " -.. says Gru.. War.. (98 stories) - "Street violence & the world's worst have-a-go hero One night I was strolling home with a friend after a night out.. Up ahead there was a couple having " -.. Down on the Farm.. (170 stories) - "Apaches is probably true.. The fatality rate on farms is something like 8 deaths per 100,000 people per year - sounds low, but that's about one a week.. " -.. says gordonjcp.. Sex Toys.. (142 stories) - "Manchester Twas in the late 1990 s, I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily.. A top bloke who played hard a " -.. says Pat mustard.. Shops and Supermarkets.. (238 stories) - "In the back I've delivered to many supermarkets and the back door staff usually contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren.. They don't work the floor " -.. says all my scars face forward.. Hoarding.. (140 stories) - "Stuff in the dark Like any right-thinking human, I fucking hate lofts.. Our loft is a terrible place.. The house has been in my partner s family for al " -.. Morning After Souvenirs.. (163 stories) - "A friend of mine (honest) Woke up in the morning after a heavy night.. Felt a bit sticky 'downstairs'.. He thought 'Oh my God, I've shat myself'.. Wit " -.. Sporting Woe.. (211 stories) - "Sporting accidents and life lessons Regular readers will know that over the years I've charted the progress of my twin sons on here with stories of th " -.. says chickenlady.. Twattery.. (208 stories) - "To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude.. Eschewi " -.. says Pope Shax XIII.. Terrified!.. (157 stories) - "I was once walking home at night behind a woman She started walking faster in that "trying not to look like you're walking fast" way.. I picked up my " -.. says Ghoti Fingers.. The Great Outdoors.. (139 stories) - "Bit of a pearoast, but people enjoyed it before.. Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with ju " -.. says Kushan.. My First Experience of the Internet.. (176 stories) - "Snakes on a Plane.. The story of my first actual introduction to the internet is for another time.. I will however, mention when I first had it " -.. Training courses, seminars and conferences.. (159 stories) - "Was on a course last week we were in an auditorium, about 90 of us.. The place was packed.. we had been in the session (about fire drills) for about 2 " -.. Lies that went on too long.. (183 stories) - "The twenty year lie Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, all blokes trying to find jobs.. Bob had a particularly good opportunity " -.. says Smale.. First World Problems.. (438 stories) - "Complaints about the NHS I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service.. I have recently left " -.. says Undercovercarrot.. Corporate Idiocy.. (262 stories) - "Mum's gone to Iceland Iceland.. Row upon row of microwaveable despair.. If your mum has gone there, kill her and yourself.. It's the only way to be sure.. Random Acts of Evil.. (212 stories) - "supermarket takedown / parenting by proxy picture the scene.. you're in a morrisons.. you're hung to the over.. you're halfheartedly scouring the shelves " -.. Random Acts of Kindness.. (239 stories) - "Friendly London I think I might have posted this one before, but I'm not sure.. Many years ago I lived and worked in London.. One sunny day, I was " -.. says ScousersPet.. Filth!.. (240 stories) - "I am the scud fairy.. My Mum's an Occupational Therapist.. Simply put, she goes into disabled peoples' houses and reccomends adaptations that will make " -.. says universalpsykopath.. I should have been arrested.. (144 stories) - "My left foot I must have posted about this before but I m afraid I can t be bothered to properly check.. Either way, it applies for this week, s " -.. What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?.. (363 stories) - "I convinced Baby Shambles that my nose made a beeping noise when pressed.. This backfired when I was having a nap and she thought it wasn't working and " -.. Messing with people's heads.. (277 stories) - "Many years ago my friend bought a Nokia N-gage.. One of those poncey (yet crappy) gaming phones.. He wouldn't shut up about it for the week beforehand.. Books.. (431 stories) - "Not a recommendation of any book or author but from 1999 2001 I worked for Amazon.. Each week we would have a meeting to review transcripts of custo " -.. says Battered.. Heroes and villains of 2011.. (144 stories) - "I m afraid my hero of 2011 isn t quite as noble as some of the ones I ve read this week My hero of 2011 was just a child.. An innocent littl " -.. Killed to DEATH.. (195 stories) - "Pigeon Torture One day I was driving home early from work, and I get a phone call.. It was my wife.. She was absolutely distraught and was sobbing d " -.. says Spaff_Quaffer.. Weird Rituals.. (278 stories) - "I count out the rhythm of any sexual activity by resolving the dates of famous historical events into their prime factors.. So the Battle of Hastings i " -.. Ask David Hasselhoff.. (329 stories) - "Have you watched the Pamela Anderson sex tapes? Did you feel guilty cracking one out over an ex colleague? Or does that make it better?" -.. says rob.. Biggest Sexual Regret.. (192 stories) - "Twix of Doom (pearoast) Pearoast, but relevant.. And I've still not eaten one since.. My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a ha " -.. says nasalhair.. Conspiracy Theories.. (328 stories) - "Badgers When I was wee, my family used to amuse ourselves in the interminable car journey down to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it " -.. says Queen of Cheesecake.. Devastating Put-Downs.. (436 stories) - "Fucksakes! Where the FUCK did you get that haircut from? Those were the very words bawled across the print room floor by Ian Jackson* - a particularly " -.. says claude balls.. Amazing Projects.. (125 stories) - "Creation Of Significant Cultural Artefact A couple of years ago I got pissed and accidentally created a Facebook page entitled "Campaign to get Brain " -.. says ruminator.. Money-saving tips.. (417 stories) - "been doing stints as a volunteer advisor at the citizen's advice bureau on and off for a few months now.. As part of the training in addition to dealin " -.. says Clay.. Tactless.. (281 stories) - "He just didn't have the stomach for it.. I have advanced foot-in-mouth syndrome.. I predict a few posts this week.. DaddyRakky was diagnosed with " -.. says Rakky (forgot her password).. Racist grandparents.. (311 stories) - "My Grandad's not racist.. He's just from a different era.. A very, very racist era.. In all seriousness, I doubt he hates any member of another race.. He " -.. Meeting people from the internet.. (223 stories) - "Things snowball pun intended So I post on a couple of forums about winter sports in Bulgaria.. The chat is usually about the three main resorts out t " -.. says Cheeses of Nazareth.. The B3TA Detective Agency.. (261 stories) - "We created a mystery which the people involved may never solve Driving my cousin home late one Friday night after he had done some some plastering wor " -.. says craigix.. Iffy crushes.. (441 stories) - "There seems to be a drought of actual stories this week It's time to rectify that - so sit down, get yourself comfy, and let me tell you the tale of.. says Godwin's Lawyer.. Crap Gadgets.. (251 stories) - "In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea.. Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get " -.. B3TA fixes the world.. (471 stories) - "make bendy buses.. make a sound like an accordion every time they go round a corner.. says Ya What?.. I didn't do it.. (198 stories) - "I AM A FUCKING HERO.. Or I would be if this happened IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.. A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's da " -.. says mark morrisons prison shoes.. Happy 10th Birthday B3ta.. (339 stories) - "Several drunken bashes, a 155 mile walk of shame, and getting knocked up by a midget.. I've been a QOTW regular for over four years now.. I remember the " -.. says crackhouseceilidhband.. School Naughtiness.. (205 stories) - "Cruel You think kids are cruel? Bullshit.. Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly and effectively as teachers.. It's all behind closed doors of " -.. Chinaman.. Churches, temples and holy places.. (201 stories) - "I went to a Catholic school But it was really one of those nominally Catholic schools that took on the RC prefix sometime in the 60s, probably as an a " -.. says leviticus.. Overheard secrets.. (156 stories) - "No-one gets away clean.. Apologies the length of this story.. In fact, apologies for the story full stop.. It may not be, strictly speaking, an overhea " -.. says Don Draper.. Performance.. (161 stories) - "Attracting an Audience On a night out with a few work colleagues, I ended up a bit worse for wear quite early on in the evening.. This resulted in me l " -.. says Monkey the Chicken.. First rude thing I ever saw.. (209 stories) - "Zebra willy I am five years old and on a lovely day out at Whipsnade Zoo.. I clap my hands with glee at the monkeys throwing poo.. I watch birds of prey " -.. Annoying Partners.. (220 stories) - "Nearly entirely irrelevant poo story Apologies for near-offtopicness, but it's a good 'un and I thought I ought to share the lurid details before they " -.. says ousgg.. Conspicuous Consumption.. (221 stories) - "A lost world I've always been a massive aeroplane nut.. I grew up in Somerset, not far from near HMS Heron, the headquarters of naval aviation.. The ann " -.. says Scrumper.. Losing it.. (304 stories) - "I was organising some kids games and needed a blindfold for one of them.. I found a particularly wide tie, which would do the job.. But what do I look " -.. says Zuowance in royal david's city.. Road Trip.. (175 stories) - "buffalo buffalo BUFFALO **First post to the boards, apologies for length, I've been drinking red wine and this topic sent me into a reverie** When " -.. says billy_pudcock.. Dodgy work ethics.. (205 stories) - "Acorn Electron Madness Back in.. oooh 1983 if I remember, I had a saturday job working in W.. H.. Smiths in their shiney new computer department.. Easy m " -.. says RadG.. Old stuff I still know.. (484 stories) - "Crescent wank I can still remember my first proper wank.. I was about 10 years old and I'd found a photography magazine of my dads with a picture of a " -.. says Lionel Tiger.. Bedroom Disasters.. (243 stories) - "Alcohol was a factor My new girlfriend told me she liked it rough.. Despite having never done anything like that before, I think "fuck it", and we deci " -.. says a gun that fires other, smaller guns.. Horrible things I've done to a loved one.. (225 stories) - "It wasn't pre-meditated, but I was once rifling through the top-draw of junk looking for some money or something, when I came across a box.. Without th " -.. says Zak McFlimby.. Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals.. (247 stories) - "I am a support worker and I work with a very disabled gentleman who I shall call Steve.. Steve cannot speak, he cannot walk unaided and he has a damage " -.. says Rev.. Jayneflakes.. Grandparents.. (237 stories) - "See if I've beat little sister to this.. Both our Grandads died within 6 weeks of each other last year.. As with any death/funeral, it is amazing how " -.. says Greenbat.. The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten.. (474 stories) - "What a morning that was.. I am the proud owner of a lovely black labrador, called Oscar, who turned 11 last month.. It was not an uncommon thing for me " -.. says 2_Killer_Mockingbirds.. Trolls.. (265 stories) - "Wardrobe trolls When I was about 8ish, my imagination fuelled by Point Horror tales, I used to terrify my little brother with stories about how the tr " -.. says Milo Minderbinder.. Conversation Killers.. (328 stories) - "TomTom A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral.. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree, and because he was divorced and his firm kept no " -.. The Police II.. (248 stories) - "Plain Clothes Officer My uncle bikes to his station in his bike leathers each day and gets changed into uniform when he's there.. A few weeks ago h " -.. says Sivvus.. Winning.. (300 stories) - "Everyone's a winner It been some time since I wrote on here so hold tight, this is a long one This is a tale of ignorance, belligerence, and ach " -.. says CaptainCuntyBollocks.. World of Random.. (286 stories) - "TV Guide A random combination of programming and name-abbreviation which was bound to occur sooner or later: It was, of course "The Hairy Biker " -.. Greed.. (224 stories) - "An Epic Battle When people mention great battles that have been fought through the history of time, there are a few that immediately spring to mind; D " -.. Creepy!.. (553 stories) - "not me, my dad back when i was a babe in arms my folks moved in to their first home.. a decorating frenzy ensues and late one night my dad(19 at the ti " -.. says studdley ruffrod.. Irrational Hatred.. (888 stories) - "Getting things wrong when I am correcting someone A few months ago, Private Eye ran a cartoon showing Batman and Spiderman attending the same party.. says scarpe.. Nights Out Gone Wrong.. (219 stories) - "At the risk of blowing my cover My worst night out, and one that I don't think I'll ever live down, was my first night out at Uni.. 1998.. I was a fr " -.. says twunt face.. Awesome teachers.. (250 stories) - "Mrs Lewis, English.. I always found English to be one of the more boring lessons; poetry-appreciation, Shakespeare and, worst of all, Jane fecking Aust " -.. says R.. Jimlad.. Bodge Jobs.. (223 stories) - "Last year I wanted bigger and better fireworks for Guy Fawkes' - so I made this: It's not the best photo, snapped with a cheap camera phone before " -.. Stupid Colleagues.. (314 stories) - "That Office Moron? I am He.. From the dark dingy depths of IT support, a young wax chewer had moved into a new, shiny department.. A high profile area " -.. says IChewCandlewax.. Drunk Parents.. (175 stories) - "A Grumpy Old Man, Wrong Numbers And A Very Social Daughter Last summer my Dad had been getting wrong number phone calls for about a week on his mobile " -.. says Dervel.. Wanking Disasters Part II.. (191 stories) - "You know that myth about Marlilyn Manson? So I'd been enjoying one of the few pleasures of puberty for a year or so now.. Unfortunately, I didn't have " -.. says 99pence.. Little Victories.. (218 stories) - "A little victory for the Polo company.. A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out a promotional product called "Polo Holes", the idea bei " -.. says sunray18.. "Needless to say, I had the last laugh".. (143 stories) - "Beating on the Booming Drum of Self Congratulation It was a warm, liquid afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at its best.. Happy people wande " -.. I'm glad nobody saw me.. (182 stories) - "The French Connection This happened well over 10 years ago and not even in this country, but I still think about it every now and again.. We w " -.. DIY Surgery.. (195 stories) - "Dam-Busters I may or may not have mentioned this before.. *hangs head in shame* One night a few years ago year: Particularly bored and on a bit o " -.. says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.. Bullshit and Bullshitters.. (362 stories) - "North Korean MySpace Pretty sure this is a pearoast, but I can't remember for sure.. Basically, the story starts that I made a fake account on MySp " -.. says racetraitor.. House Guests.. (173 stories) - "An inadvertent golden shower Many moons ago I stopped off at a nightclub where I knew my friend, G, would be DJ'ing in the hope of blagging a lift hom " -.. says Kovacs.. Worst Band Ever.. (442 stories) - "When you watch this you will understand.. Before you watch I must warn you that you will want to paper cut her eyes and force her to piss her own tee " -.. says thePontificator.. B3ta Villain of the Year 2010.. (133 stories) - "The Pope Got to be.. Promoting homophobic policies.. check.. Demonizing condoms in AIDS hotzones.. Being anachronistically misogynistic.. chec " -.. says Amish Information Systems.. B3ta Person of the Year 2010.. (219 stories) - "Julian Assange Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute.. Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed i " -.. It's Not What It Looks Like!.. (163 stories) - "I have never ever won a game of Pictionary.. Broken Promises.. (300 stories) - "A Christmas True Story Nothing causes more broken promises than an addiction to alcohol.. Work, family, friends, they all bear the brunt and eventually " -.. Dad stories.. (335 stories) - "In which my dad bums some furniture.. Picture the scene.. It's early Christmas evening.. The presents have all been opened.. The Christmas dinner has " -.. Unusual talents.. (344 stories) - "I'm going to shoehorn something I heard at work today into this qotw; I have a colleague who has a talent for getting the wrong end of the stick.. (see " -.. Protest!.. (211 stories) - "Chips.. Chips.. I knew  ...   Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London.. Everyone w " -.. says jangle.. Best Graffiti Ever.. (1373 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect.. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable.. I w " -.. says Random Ferret.. Well, that taught 'em.. (401 stories) - "I Do a Performance course at University And there's this one girl who is possibly the laziest little bugger on the planet.. She never pays attention in " -.. says __.. We have to talk.. (351 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad.. I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year.. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our " -.. says Hampster Squared.. Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You.. (414 stories) - "I'll let you into a little secret.. You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, b " -.. says no way hose.. Housemates from hell.. (374 stories) - "Bob's epiphany.. It has been alleged that in a shared house in Birmingham there lived four people.. Two were a couple (M&F) and there were two others.. O " -.. Childhood Ambitions.. (416 stories) - "Comedy Gold I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr.. T, sex pest, " -.. says Gleeballs.. Personal Hygiene.. (573 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all.. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor.. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G " -.. Cross Dressing.. (329 stories) - "The things kids say.. I was obliged to escort a young cousin about town one day.. The little lad was from the countryside and had led a very sheltere " -.. Strict Parents.. (476 stories) - "They feck you up, your mum and dad When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me wear any low-cut tops, miniskirts, heels, makeup or even decent ling " -.. says mochyn.. Picky Eaters.. (843 stories) - "Mince I used to work with a guy.. Lenny.. I m not saying he was tight but.. duck s posterior doesn t do him justice.. Single, never married, as rich " -.. says SalRossi.. When were you last really scared?.. (477 stories) - "the shame At uni we did this: Grabbed a mate from behind and put a sack over his head, and tied him up.. He had no idea who we were.. We were very ag " -.. Ripped Off.. (496 stories) - "Divorce Lawyers.. I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this: I'm in the midst of getting divorced.. It's all amicable, we've agreed " -.. says Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou.. Spoooky Coincidence.. (515 stories) - "Car-incidence Friend of my mum's, called Cassie (so not me, but it's such a freakishly coincidental coincidence it quite frankly terrifies me) Long " -.. Other people's diaries.. (310 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on.. Hate each other with a passion, and still do.. So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel " -.. My first experience of porn.. (453 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through.. You internet-generation kids will n " -.. says SqueakyG.. The Weird Kid In Class.. (526 stories) - "From my mate Alex I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a " -.. My Collection.. (439 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm.. Nescafe As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts.. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted " -.. says geegee.. Failed.. (388 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man.. Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip.. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc " -.. says Darth Vegas.. Where is the strangest place you have slept?.. (526 stories) - "On a very large pile of lego there's nothing quite like waking up, half drunk, half hungover, looking in the mirror and seeing the word ogel imprinted " -.. says Bert Monkeysex.. Secret Santa.. (246 stories) - "OK.. One more time.. There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks.. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, t " -.. School Trips.. (457 stories) - "Please, Miss! You're on my cock! It was a geography trip to a local forest to show us how deciduous trees grow, or some such shite.. The only good th " -.. Body Mods.. (303 stories) - "I used to be into Black Metal My name back then was "Doom Master" (changed by deed poll) and I was completely committed to Darkness.. That's why I did " -.. Debt pron.. (393 stories) - "Debt vs Physics Is it called an Electron card because it incurs charges, yet carries no weight?" -.. says Jack Rarebit.. Beautiful but Bonkers.. (344 stories) - "Crazy Sex Calls and a Trip to Scotland It's a long one.. Eighteen months ago or so, I was near completing an A Level English course.. There was a shy " -.. Going Too Far.. (449 stories) - "i'm going to hell.. have just stagered gome af sast as i can from party still very drunk it's 1:16 am here.. have just shagged my mate's girlfriend o " -.. Dentists.. (382 stories) - "A Riposte I am a dentist and I feel that a response to some of your tales (some of which sound rather overly elaborated) is required; 1) Many o " -.. says Calfderno.. Not Losing Your Virginity.. (300 stories) - "My first love Lucy and I were inseparable.. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved.. She was absol " -.. says Beve The Spaniard.. Useless advice.. (591 stories) - ".. mmmm creamy On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"" -.. Road Rage.. (490 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac " -.. says The Grrrinch.. My Greatest Regrets.. (427 stories) - "every time I get horny (when I'm single and at home), I download porn.. And each time I tell myself I'll make a porn folder and keep the best ones on " -.. Inappropriate crushes.. (568 stories) - "Ahem.. Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I m quite the heterosexual man.. I love women.. I love their bodies.. I love kissing women on " -.. says The Horizontal Monster Mash.. Oldies vs Computers.. (341 stories) - "different skills My Nana can't send an email with an attachment, but she can.. grow veg and cook her own food from scratch, wire a plug, remember e " -.. Unexpected Good Fortune.. (324 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs.. We're still happi " -.. says purplegod.. The Worst Journey in the World.. (382 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks.. Long story coming A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smok " -.. says Legless.. Barred.. (313 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.. uk, when I enter my address it mysterious " -.. says Son of Sam-i-am.. DIY fashion.. (275 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters.. Apparently I'm a sex offender.. (302 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners.. One was a lo " -.. Running away.. (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod " -.. says Squirter.. Encounters with Royalty.. (328 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico " -.. says daytripper.. Intense Friendships.. (150 stories) - "Cock tape I knew two guys at my school who sellotaped their cocks together at the end.. THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!" -.. says Normanator.. Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars.. Oh my!.. (279 stories) - "Haai-yaah Refreshingly clean story: at the end of the night in a busy 'Brewers Fayre' style pub restaurant, my sister and I were carrying large towers " -.. says kidcamel.. I hurt my rude bits.. (452 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk.. Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants.. Dunno wha " -.. says tinpixel.. Lies I told on my CV.. (189 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs.. Sa " -.. Rock and Roll Stories.. (360 stories) - "You either love him or hate him.. Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly Rock and Roll experiences (apart from a Derek Smalls in " -.. says Mr Evian.. The most cash I've ever carried.. (297 stories) - "Last week.. I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time.. Afterwards, I notice " -.. says Olembe.. Mugged.. (360 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney.. This place is where good muggers go when they die.. Too many stories.. The best was when I was waiting for a bu " -.. says sadler.. Awesome Sickies.. (302 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK.. ! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good.. Head is pound " -.. says Sir Jester.. Missing body parts.. (340 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain.. Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt " -.. says Bellamy's Enemy.. Never Meet Your Heroes.. (511 stories) - "I had tea with that Brian Blessed once.. About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed s daughter (Rosalind) and f " -.. says Hedonister.. Worst Nicknames Ever.. (954 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.. ) " -.. says jennymnemonic.. Putting the Fun in Funeral.. (357 stories) - "Dad had died.. his coffin was brought back to the house.. so people could pay their last respects.. During the last weeks as he was sedated b " -.. says Error 404 - Username Unknown.. Ignoring Instructions.. (389 stories) - "DONT ABUSE CATS During my first few years of childhood - I had a lot of fun with cats.. I was always bollocked for doing things with cats.. I rememb " -.. says Chicken Skin Bag.. Crap meals out.. (402 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six.. my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.. Someon " -.. Messing with the Dark Side.. (326 stories) - "Adramelech! When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernat " -.. says squirrels emit silent screams.. Teenage Parties.. (404 stories) - "age is everything Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh.. Anyway, a friend of mine was " -.. says jiggling_john.. Heckles.. (582 stories) - "Not mine.. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere.. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar " -.. says Rotating Wobbly Hat.. School Sports Day.. (292 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race? Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day.. She gave me " -.. says Boss Killer.. In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces.. (276 stories) - "Please remind yourselves that i was 14 and it was cadets.. Drill Instructor - Get up the rope! Me.. - Sir, i cannot get up the rope, Sir! Drill In " -.. says I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing.. I met a weirdo on the interweb.. (248 stories) - "Looking to find other musicians I used to have a few songs up on MP3.. com - way back in 1999.. A couple of years later I was still getting emails thr " -.. says Seebeedee.. School fights.. (421 stories) - "Full Beanbag Jacket Picture the scene: A quiet little borough of South London, and an equally quiet junior school, whose crowning achievement was " -.. says Danage.. Airport Stories.. (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia.. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w " -.. says Mong The Merciless.. Sacked.. (306 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until " -.. says lunus.. Child Labour.. (271 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December.. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets " -.. says Soapy Norris.. My computer gave away my secrets.. (279 stories) - "Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer: billy and mandy rude pics bitch boner boobs breists cock co " -.. says Naive Amoeba.. Accidentally Erotic.. (416 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months.. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough " -.. Join us.. come join the cult.. (207 stories) - "What a question.. Yes I've been part of a cult.. I may as well tell you the story from the top.. Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j " -.. says jim_bob.. Have you ever paid for sex?.. (263 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes.. A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night.. We had a cracking wee " -.. Fancy Dress.. (303 stories) - "This year I dressed as.. Or here if that image is blocked.. says chobb.. Urban Legends.. (523 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life " -.. Panic Buying.. (153 stories) - "Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round' as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call i " -.. says grey kid.. It's not me, it's the drugs talking.. (529 stories) - "At Leeds festival a couple of years ago we were standing towards the back of the crowd, watching The Strokes.. I say 'watching'; I couldn't really see " -.. Birthdays.. (223 stories) - "19th birthday Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union " -.. says calibrax.. On the stage.. (245 stories) - "Aged 15, a 600-strong audience of peers, and a trombone Solo.. Put yourself in my position.. Here's a moment from my past.. Imagine for one moment tha " -.. Shame.. (460 stories) - "Paying The Bill My most shameful moment, without a shadow of a doubt, occurred roughly ten years ago.. To cut a massive story slightly shorter, growing " -.. Cheating cheaty cheats.. (268 stories) - "I was friends with a massive cheater at school but he got chucked out for eating gazelles behind the bike sheds.. Your Weirdest Teacher.. (603 stories) - "wales v england it's not wierd, but it deserves an honourable mention.. Two English teachers, one specialising in Language, the other Literature.. says niceandwarmandhot.. Fire!.. (452 stories) - "flaming bosoms never try and ignite a dodgy hob whilst wearing a dressing gown.. fancying a breakfast fry-up, I turned on the gas, pushed the ignit " -.. says biscuitbiscuit.. Essential Items.. (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young.. I carry it with me everywhere.. When i was in Baghdad a couple of " -.. says Thursday Sugar Bowl.. My first love.. (305 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes: She was just a " -.. says Amos E Wolfe.. The passive-aggressive guilt trip.. (165 stories) - "Don't trouble yourselves clicking 'I Like This!' I've decided I don't want to win this week's question so don't bother voting for me.. Sure it would be " -.. Misunderstood.. (331 stories) - "I apologise and assure you I will no longer submit long, nonsensical answers In the light of last week's QOTW, in which several b3tans took the opport " -.. says stusut79.. Pretentious bollocks.. (411 stories) - " I would post a story, but I prefer to express myself through the medium of dance.. says Elizabeth Duke at Argos.. The Police.. (348 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning.. whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam " -.. says furey.. Posh.. (410 stories) - "Nice to see you - to see you WIIIIIGGG!!! Once upon a time, a friend and I rented a place for a year in the self-proclaimed "richest town in Britain", " -.. Take my Mother-in-law.. (217 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my " -.. Toilets.. (558 stories) - "Barium Shits.. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.. Now this is a " -.. Scary Neighbours.. (400 stories) - "Student Neighbours A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.. I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time.. It was du " -.. Injured Siblings.. (424 stories) - "I confess.. When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister.. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel " -.. Teenage Poetry.. (407 stories) - "Not My Pancreas Why, oh why, oh why Do the girls not talk to me? Is it my ears? They droop.. The lobes are prominent Like bulbous, fleshy eardogs.. Crappy Prizes.. (393 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester.. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday " -.. Weird Traditions.. (541 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c " -.. says creeper.. That's when I knew it was over.. (390 stories) - "that's when it SHOULD have been over.. if i had any sense.. those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-ag " -.. says rachelswipe.. Weddings.. (299 stories) - "This image is still burned onto my retinas.. Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country.. Her folks were very devo " -.. says scunnydelight.. Stupid Tourists.. (803 stories) - "Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused.. Wife " -.. says WhoElse.. Hidden Treasure.. (395 stories) - "Found in my attic a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time.. I left some tr " -.. says boltneck.. I'm an expert.. (548 stories) - "i quite good at typing the letter T, for example: TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTT " -.. says tyler198125.. Now, there was no need for that.. (317 stories) - "Bloody animals.. I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years.. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic.. Having had 'th " -.. says clapper.. I was drunk when I bought this.. (376 stories) - "*sigh* I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session.. Then I drew a face on it.. Then I wrote "steve the " -.. says TopUpTheTea.. When animals attack.. (609 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom.. As these were generally clan matches I would n " -.. says Jay.. The Onosecond.. (385 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.. A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th " -.. When I met the parents.. (379 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving "Have you slept with Julie yet?" "Do " -.. Jobsworths.. (430 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year.. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed " -.. Petty Sabotage.. (608 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.. Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was " -.. says TooMuch2AM.. How I Skive Off Work.. (389 stories) - "skive, yet still be the most productive member of staff they have.. erm, i was meant to be on the weekend shift.. i arrived yesterday 15 mins lat " -.. says professor honky.. It was a great holiday, but.. (318 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday.. The last thing that made me cry.. (601 stories) - "Dyslecsia I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things.. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week.. Lu " -.. says RandomTwat.. Guilty Pleasures.. (737 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t " -.. says Strangey.. I just don't get it.. (883 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen.. When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla " -.. Walkman Flashbacks.. (414 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back.. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh " -.. says peewee13.. Useless Information.. (1217 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear " -.. says Fr_Jerry_McGwier.. Beautiful Moments.. (447 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland.. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of " -.. Losing Your Virginity.. (402 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday.. says Catchag.. Claims to Fame.. (830 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week.. In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri " -.. Little things that turn you on.. (633 stories) - "Sshhhh.. Whispering.. I don't know why, but when women whisper it makes me go all wobbly.. I suppose it has to do with the necessity of closeness & " -.. says moonjam.. Look! It's me in the Local Paper.. (262 stories) - "I suppose this should go in really! :o)" -.. says The Boy T.. Scars with history.. (530 stories) - "Wanking Nightmare.. I posted this months ago.. I now re-post with more scar detail.. I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in " -.. Singing the wrong words.. (667 stories) - "Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well, " -.. says BobbyParadise.. Job Interviews.. (313 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour.. Interviewer: What animal would you like to " -.. says DarkLite.. Black Sheep.. (161 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos.. However, it turns out " -.. says Aleister Crowleys Badger.. Pure Ignorance.. (1043 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles.. He was unbelievably " -.. My Christmas Nightmare.. (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor.. Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t " -.. Office Christmas Parties.. (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service.. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p " -.. says pb4ugo2bed.. Childhood bad taste.. (387 stories) - "LEGO: Rantus Maximus.. The bastards.. Everywhere I go I see lego sets with "special shapes" and Specificly shaped parts.. model "technic lego" cars " -.. Lost.. (297 stories) - "Doh.. I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet.. in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails.. Only when i " -.. says Smartie.. Near Death Experiences.. (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays.. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German " -.. Premonitions.. (317 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" -.. says stefd.. You're a moviestar baby.. (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way.. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat.. They were fi " -.. says Jeeves.. Obscure Memorabilia.. (422 stories) - "You know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week" -.. says born sleepy.. Evidence that you're getting old.. (627 stories) - "/unlurks 1.. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.. You keep more food than beer in th " -.. says Grey Triggerfish.. My Worst Date.. (270 stories) - "Argh, the memories!! =( I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend.. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet " -.. says owain2002.. Out of my depth.. (235 stories) - "More Military Humiliation To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding " -.. says Igneous.. Things you've done when you've had no money.. (225 stories) - "It's a good thing none of you know who I am No money? A girl? (Or not so finicky boy?) Simple! Blow jobs.. They're fast, easy, no mess if you dodge " -.. says TDub.. Strange things you've been paid to do.. (248 stories) - "rats! ooh and my animal loving flatmate was most excited to be given the job of looking after the university rats at kcl.. she came home in tears t " -.. Shoddy Presents.. (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o " -.. says Flurble.. Local Nutters.. (568 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns, " -.. World's Sickest Joke.. (2375 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your cloth " -.. says Dog.. Embarrassing Injuries.. (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened.. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte " -.. says bobba.. People with Stupid Names.. (822 stories) - "I once met a guy whose name sounded very much like a rather rude part of the human body, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was.. Rest ass " -.. says TV's Nosemonkey.. My Worst Vomit.. (499 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits.. About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo " -.. says Desolation Angel.. World's Most Hated Food.. (675 stories) - "I live in Sweden.. and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming".. Sprouts are like cadbury's chocolate.. and Smoked Eel ( " -.. Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?.. (211 stories) - "since you ask.. To quote my hopefully soon to be ex-wife, "It's not so much I've been sleeping with another man, more sort of.. men.. oh and you need " -.. says mooglemania.. Stuff You've Overheard.. (359 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun.. It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening.. I had wisely decided to sit at the back, " -.. says damndirtyape.. My Wanking Disasters.. (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean.. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou " -.. Mini Cabs From Hell.. (166 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I? Somewhere in the north I think.. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner: Cabbie: "Do " -.. says Your Mum.. Your Greatest Dilemmas.. (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack.. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss.. What signs should I look for, and " -.. says SpunkyBackpack.. Your Revenge Stories.. (241 stories) - ".. A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.. I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.. That showed her.. Shit Stories.. (500 stories) - "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out.. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat " -.. says cheesemaster.. Best Comebacks.. (398 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.. He called him an "old bastard".. His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as " -.. says chuffster.. Foot in Mouth Syndrome.. (361 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak " -.. says The Doctor.. Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?.. (288 stories) - "Stephen Hawking Not all that rude, not me, but still funny.. A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen " -.. says Biffins Bridge.. Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make.. (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France) The Wombli " -.. says ccc.. Impromptu Games You Play.. (455 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum.. Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?' " -.. says microsaulxp.. Booze Related Disasters.. (166 stories) - "Oh me, oh my I'm sure you all remember the North American Eastern seaboard being in a total blackout last august.. well, my friend and I assumed that t " -.. says Human.. Old People Talk Bollocks.. (198 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang.. a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once.. What made it more jaw-droppingly hor " -.. Have you ever started a fire?.. (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god.. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t " -.. says sp3ccylad.. Pet Names.. (381 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice.. They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree " -.. says Station.. Slang Survey.. (692 stories) - "hmmm I heard somebody call an all girls school a "virgin megastore".. made me larff.. says MrGomez.. Irrational Fears.. (572 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK s " -.. Lies Your Parents Told You.. (707 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth.. My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked " -.. Breakin' The Law.. (230 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O.. nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it " -.. says No6.. Clients Are Stupid.. (318 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post.. blah blah blah Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev " -.. Dad Jokes.. (432 stories) - "whenever I annoy him he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum".. Worst Record Ever.. (392 stories) - "Definately DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past " -.. says fassit..

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  • Title: b3ta.com challenges
    Descriptive info: challenges.. Image Challenge.. Latest.. ,.. 32.. 30.. 29.. 28.. 26.. 24.. 21.. 18.. 16.. 15.. 14.. 13.. 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 4.. [Suggest a challenge].. See the entries.. RUST!" (Challenge suggested by The Silent Channel).. Fight the Bourgeoisie! With revolution! And Photoshop!.. Sausage Art.. This week's challenge is to take the humble sausage and turn it into great art.. You task is to adapt classics by adding porky extensions, or to create entirely new masterpieces.. Extra points for real-life use of a sausage source.. Controversial Computer Games.. Rockstar are really upset by all the free advertising they're getting as a result of how 'offensive' GTA is.. But what if all games were created to be controversial in order to sell? Design a new game or remix a classic in such a way to upset the red tops.. Misheard Lyrics.. Mishearing lyrics for the LOLs is one of the cornerstones upon which B3ta was built, yet we haven't done it as a challenge since 2004.. Time to put that right.. Suggested by PedroHin and Shallowz.. 20 Years after the Invasion.. This week's challenge is to show us how  ...   Stuff.. Boo! This week's challenge is to come up with creepy stuff images that scare, startle and disturb, and interrupt one's sleep patterns.. Suggested by sandettie light vessel automatic.. Fridges.. "Fridges are cool", says dolphinwhisperer.. "Need I say more?" No, dolphinwhisperer, you don't.. And that's why your suggestion is this week's one-word image manipulation challenge.. Fridges!.. Sports That Never Caught On.. This week's challenge is to demonstrate sports that never caught-on.. Underwater tennis, anyone? Hamster baiting? Dwarf fondling? Helicopter Basketball? There must be millions.. Challenge suggested by notoolsovernight,.. Punctuation.. This week's daunting task is to add a comma, apostrophe or whatever to familiar brands, slogans and names to make them different and lolworthy and great.. Challenge suggested by HappyToast.. Hitchcock.. "I've got an idea for a one-word challenge", purred legendary b3tan Monkeon.. "Hitchcock! Why not parody his films and photoshop his face?" And thus, it came to pass.. Donkeys!.. There are more than 40 million donkeys in the world, mostly in underdeveloped countries, where they are used principally as draught or pack animals.. This week's challenge is to Photoshop the donkey's delightful, fuzzy features, with hilarious results, etc..

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  • Title: B3TA : FEATURES : FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
    Descriptive info: FEATURES:.. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS.. Please read this before posting on our site.. It will hopefully answer all the questions you have about B3ta and help you find your way around the messageboards.. About B3ta:.. Who founded B3ta?.. So who does which bit then?.. Can I employ B3ta to make my website/viral?.. How do I subscribe to the B3ta newsletter?.. How do I unsubscribe from the newsletter?.. I have made/seen something really cool, how do I get it in the newsletter?.. Who is the Magic Donkey?.. Messageboards.. I have just registered for the board, but it won't let me post.. Why not?.. Hooray - I am able to post now.. What should I do?.. I have a little red L next to my name.. what's all that about?.. How do I get one of them there cool icon thingies?.. How do I post links on the board?.. How do I post an image on the board?.. Can I post this great image/link that I found?.. Can I post my Flash movie?.. ">What other HTML tags work on the board?.. Wah! I messed up my post! What do I do now??.. There is somebody really annoying on the board, is it OK to be rude to them?.. Is it OK to post a new message on the main board without a picture?.. How do I fuc.. king swear?.. What are the secret codes?.. Why is there a talk board too?.. What are all these crazy slang words people are using?.. What is out of bounds on B3ta?.. What happens if I decide to be naughty and disobey all these rules?.. How do I close and delete my B3ta account?.. Making and Posting Pictures.. How do I get inspiration for my pictures?.. Where can I find source images to play with?.. What Software Should I use?.. Where can I host my pictures?.. OK, my image is hosted on the internet.. What now?.. How big can my image be?.. How do I get my images on the front page?.. I am really proud of my picture, is it OK if I post it again?.. What does NSFW mean?.. I'm not sure if my picture is NSFW or not, how do I tell?.. It's 10pm, surely nobody is at work now.. Surely if somebody is at work, they should be working and not looking at B3ta.. It's not fair, my picture of a woman in a bikini was linked by a mod, but I have seen much worse go uncensored.. Challenges.. When are the challenges?.. Who decides what theme to use?.. How do I enter my image in a challenge?.. I made an image ages ago that fits with this week's challenge, is it OK to repost it?.. How do I know if I have won?.. What do I win?.. Who judges these things?.. When are the new questions set up?.. I liked one of the answers, what should I do?.. Can I answer one of the old questions?.. Other stuff.. What is your cookie policy?.. How do I say "b3ta?".. I want to link to b3ta - have you got a graphic?.. Is there a big logo I can download and play with?.. Can I download the Furtive bear?.. Do you have a RSS/XML feed?.. Can I have a copy of the b3ta messageboard software?.. B3ta is all about celebrating the best stuff on the internet.. We send out a free, weekly newsletter stuffed with the finest links the internet has to offer and we also have messageboards where anybody can show off their creative skills.. B3ta was founded by.. Rob Manuel.. Denise Wilton.. and.. Cal Henderson.. Click each name to see our personal websites.. There is a lot of crossover, but generally Rob does the editorial stuff like newsletters, quizzes and flash things.. Denise is the designer.. She makes the site look pretty and looks after the messageboard.. And Cal? He coded the foundations of the site you see today.. robtoo.. cr3.. now work on the backend, new features, security and maintenence.. Rob, Denise and Cal regularly take on freelance projects, sometimes as a team and sometimes individually - you can contact them through their personal websites.. However, B3ta itself is not an agency and cannot put its name to your commercial product.. The.. B3ta newsletter.. is sent out every Friday and has the best internet links we have seen that week.. It currently has nearly 80000 subscribers and is a great way to get your work seen - if the Magic Donkey likes it!.. Send a blank email to.. b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.. com.. or use the little form at the top right of this page.. b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.. You should send us a link using this form:.. com/mailus/.. Even if you have already posted your project on the messagebord, you must also send it to us via the form.. We can't possibly monitor the board 24 hours a day and we will more than likely miss your work of genius.. We need all the links in one place for ease of showing to the Magic Donkey, so please take Obi Wan's advice and.. use the form.. Luke.. His job is to look at all the stuff sent in for the newsletter and nod if he likes an item.. Contrary to popular belief he doesn't handle the messageboard approvals and on no account should be thanked for adding images to the front page.. The b3ta messageboards are where you can show off your creative skills.. There are currently three messageboards, the.. main board.. for all your projects, such as animations, photoshopping and images, the.. talk board.. where you can chat, and.. where you can post your websites, cool links or funny videos.. Due to the increasing popularity of the board, we introduced Newbie Tuesday.. This means you can register any time of the week, but you can only start posting the following Tuesday.. We would like you to spend a couple of days watching the board and seeing how it works before you jump in.. In the meantime you could always read the older.. newsletters.. - there is lots of fun stuff in there to keep you busy.. You can also read the rest of this FAQ, so you will be clued up when you start posting.. You can post pretty much anything you like on b3ta, but we love to see your original pictures and projects.. As a general guide:.. Do:.. Have fun and join in with the conversations.. Post pictures you have made.. Post links to your new web projects.. Say nice things about the pictures you like.. Don't:.. Post stuff that is, or looks like porn - (see.. section).. Post pictures from sites that are not your own.. Repost your old pictures in a new thread - that's what the '.. View Older Messages.. ' link is for.. Spam your website over and over again.. Be nasty or offensive to other boarders.. Be boring.. That is your L plate, just like drivers in the UK have before they pass their driving test.. It just lets everybody else know you are new and that you may need a bit of help fitting in at the start.. Don't worry though, it will disappear after your first week.. Simple.. Send us some money.. You'll get an icon and the world will fear your mighty power.. Easy - you just need to type or paste the web address into your message and the board will magically make it a link for you.. If you really want to type the code yourself, this is it:.. a href="put the link address in here" target="_blank" this bit will show up in blue on the board /a.. When typing the address, please make sure it begins with http:// otherwise it won't work properly.. If you are having trouble making or hosting your images, read the '.. Making Pictures.. ' section.. If your image is finished and on the web ready to be posted, use the code:.. img src="put the image address in here".. Can I post this great link that I found?.. We are always happy to see new and cool content on the links board, but it's best to make sure we haven't seen it already by using.. the search feature.. It can be a bit annoying when dozens of people all post a link to the same site on the same day (it does happen).. search page.. can always be reached from the 'search' link at the top of any messageboard.. If you have found a picture you absolutely have to share with the board, please host it on your own webspace, or post it as a link.. Posting an image hosted on somebody else's web space is not a very polite thing to do and we hate it when people do it to us.. Oh.. and please never try to claim somebody else's work as your own.. You will almost certainly be found out and end up looking very silly if you do.. Yes - but only in playable form on the links board.. Please feel free to link to it on the main board, though - and don't forget to submit it to the newsletter.. We are always on the lookout for new Flash movies and games.. ">.. What other HTML tags work on the board?.. small.. small text.. /small.. b.. bold text.. /b.. i.. italic text.. /i.. s.. Strike through text.. /s.. pre Preformatted text /pre.. sup.. Superscipt.. /sup.. sub.. Subscript.. /sub.. Fancy, isn't it?.. Don't worry, you can click the 'Edit' link underneath your post - to the right of your username.. Please edit your broken messages rather than starting a new message.. If you have Javascript enabled,  ...   images based on the current dimension and file size limits, so you don't have to.. Alternatively, it is worth considering buying some webspace to host your images there.. It's not all that expensive, you get to have your own domain name and you can also make your own website with cool stuff like a gallery of the pics you've made for b3ta.. The other option is to find somebody on the web willing to host your pictures for free.. there are a few options out there, including:.. B3tards file uploader.. - made by coding genius and b3ta boarder.. - images only.. cr3ation b3ta.. - produced by the handsome.. - images and flash.. Imageshack.. Angelfire, Photobucket, Geocities and Tripod are not good places to host B3ta pictures, so please try somewhere different if you already have an account with them.. If you used the built in uploader, the following code will be inserted automatically and shown in the live preview.. If you need to get the address if the image, it will look something like http://www.. woo.. com/image.. PC:.. Right-click on your hosted image.. Select "properties".. Cut & paste the URL of the image.. Mac:.. Hold down the mouse button over your hosted image for a couple of seconds.. Select "open image in new window".. Cut & paste the address from the place where you normally type web addresses.. You use this address to post your image on the board, using this code:.. img src="put the address of your image here".. Note: If you are using a free web host that gives you a thumbnail gallery of images (like MSN) make sure you use the address of the big image and not the thumbnail.. Using the built in uploader.. If you use b3ta's built in image hosting, you may upload any image up to around 400kb in file size, and the site will do any resizing work required for you.. Animations are not optimisable - if they do not meet file size restrictions, they will be linked with a static image.. Files larger than 400kb will be instantly rejected!.. Optimising images yourself.. If you wish to optimise your images yourself, as far as pixel size goes there is no real limit, but you will rarely need to make your image larger than 700 pixels wide.. To be put on the frontpage, your image can be no wider than 400 pixels.. For file size, 50k has always been a good target for a still image, but anything up to 100KB is acceptable.. Likewise, animated gifs should be kept as small as possible, but never exceed 400 KB.. Please do your best to optimise your work where appropriate, as some users still use dialup.. A good joke won't be spoiled by a slightly lower quality image.. If you really can't bear to make your image or animation smaller, a good idea would be to make a smaller version for posting on the board and you can link to the full glory of the huge version for those with a fast connection.. You can use this code to do that:.. a href="address of large version goes here" target=_blank" img src="address of small version goes here" /a.. If you do post something that is too big, a board moderator will make your pic a link.. Please don't be offended by this, it's nothing personal.. We just like to keep the board running as smoothly as possible for everybody.. The board moderators have the power to approve the best pics they see on the board.. Make us laugh or make us say, "Wow!" and your picture stands a good chance of being approved.. Please don't repost your picture as a new message.. If everybody on the board decided to repost their old pictures then there would be no room left for any new stuff.. If you didn't get the reaction you hoped for the first time, then don't be disheartened - it's just the nature of the board and something we have to live with.. If you really want to show people your hard work again, you could try these:.. Post your image as a relevant reply to another picture.. "That's a great picture of a kitten skateboarding, here is a similar picture I made.. Use your B3ta profile as a showcase for your best work.. Make an image gallery and link to it when you post new pictures.. "If you like this, then look at my other work here.. Just remember that there is limited space on the board and it's a bit rude to push somebody else's picture into the archive in order to post a picture that has already had it's chance.. This means 'Not Safe for Work' or in other words it's porn.. We like to keep b3ta free from any images which are, or could be mistaken as pornographic.. Lots of employers take a dim view of people using their work computer to look at porn and in some places it can get you sacked on the spot.. We don't want to censor people, or make a moral judgement about what they should be looking at, we would simply ask that any pictures which could be mistaken for porn are linked with an appropriate warning for those viewing at work.. Same goes for any links to sites with porny content (watch those banner ads), please give fair warning about the content.. Please don't be offended if your picture is linked by a moderator for being NSFW, it may well be very tame but we tend to err on the side of caution in these circumstances.. It's nothing personal.. Just ask yourself, "Could this be mistaken for porn?" A suggestive picture of a lady in her underwear is probably NSFW even though there is no nudity, but a badly drawn picture of a spunking cock isn't NSFW (unless there is a fetish site for badly drawn, spunking cocks that nobody told us about).. You should always assume that people will be viewing from work, no matter the time.. Not only do many people work funny shifts, but B3ta attract viewers from many timezones all over the world.. Lots of people are allowed to use their work internet access for personal use during lunchtime and breaks.. It doesn't mean they are allowed to look at porn during these times though.. B3ta is moderated by volunteers who aren't able to be on the board at all times of the day and night.. Also, different mods may consider different things to be NSFW.. We are only human and can't promise to be perfectly consistent about the stuff that gets linked and stuff that is left alone.. If you get upset about this kind of thing, then you should probably leave the naked lady pictures alone and Photoshop kittens instead.. Every week we run a Photoshop challenge based around a different theme to try and inspire the boarders to make fantastic new pictures.. A new challenge is set up every Wednesday evening and is announced via the messageboard, front page and in Friday's newsletter.. Every second Wednesday around 8pm GMT, the messageboard is asked for theme ideas and a vote is taken on the best suggestions.. The other weeks, the theme is decided by the mysterious Challenge Dictator.. He is a dark and shadowy character and we are all too scared to disagree with him.. Easy! Just post a new message or reply to a message as normal.. Above the "Post This Message" button is a drop down menu - you can select whichever challenge you want to enter from there.. Please note that you don't have to post a new message to enter the challenge.. A reply to a previous message will show up in the challenge archive the same as a new message and will have just as much chance of winning.. We would prefer that you made a new picture instead, that's what the image challenge is for.. No reposted image has won the challenge yet.. The winners are announced in the newsletter.. Neverending respect from fellow boarders, and the next 5 seconds off work.. We ask board members to judge the challenges for us.. If you post enought good stuff on the board and catch our eye, we may even ask you.. Every week we set a new question and ask you to answer it with your stories and anecdotes.. It was originally set up to provide material for the now finished B3ta Radio Show, but it proved so popular that we brought it back.. There is a new question set up every week, on a Thursday.. You should click the 'I like this' link underneath the answer.. When the question is closed at the end of the week, the most popular stories will be shown on the first page of the archive.. The best of these stories will also make it into the newsletter too.. Sorry, but once the question is closed, no more answers can be added.. You can read it here.. It explains what we store on your computer and why.. It rhymes with Peter.. Why yes.. Yes.. Here's the cliches.. but please think twice about using them.. We have seen 1000s of variations on the same themes and would much prefer you used fresh images.. Try looking at todays papers or thinking of something really odd to type into google images.. Why, yes,.. as a matter of fact we do.. Sorry, the b3ta code isn't open source.. WWWThreads is a sort of similar alternative.. You can.. get a copy here.. Credits:.. Mystery_Bob, David Stevenson, Rob Manuel, Hal9000, Monk3yspunkmop3d, cr3.. Pictures by:.. Chobb, Cthonic, Druid, Eclectech, Strawberry Dragon, Sunshine Elephant, Zak McFlimby..

    Original link path: /features/faq/
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  • Title: b3ta.com user Ya What?
    Descriptive info: user.. (90662).. Profile for Ya What?:.. a member for 2 years, 2 months and 23 days.. has posted.. 1321 messages.. on the main board.. (of which 4 have appeared on the front page).. 200 messages.. on the talk board.. 599 messages.. on the links board.. (including.. 187 links.. 138 stories and 240 replies.. on question of the week.. They liked 79 pictures, 43 links, 1 talk posts, and 15 qotw answers.. Ignore this user.. Add this user as a friend.. send me a message.. Profile Info:.. I was going to write something funny.. sorry.. Recent front page messages:.. (Sat 7th Dec 2013, 10:52,.. More.. straight outta cluckton y'all.. F to the P fo shizzle.. Or something.. (Thu 17th Oct 2013, 17:00,.. damn FCC.. (Thu 1st Mar 2012, 9:24,.. the only things in life that  ...   feed the homeless.. to the starving.. (Thu 22nd Sep 2011, 13:03,.. if they're called travellers.. why do they kick up such a fuss when they get moved on? Surely they'd love it? Do I win a free pencil?.. (Wed 19th Oct 2011, 12:19,.. me and my mate phil.. when we were younger (maybe 12/13) in winter would go around the old peoples bungalows round where we lived and clear the snow and ice from their paths.. We didn't ask for money, they'd sometimes bring us a mince pie, but we did it to keep the old dears safe.. One of them wrote to the local paper to say that not all kids are mischievous, and thank us.. My mum kept the paper clipping.. (Thu 9th Feb 2012, 13:22,.. [.. read all their answers.. ]..

    Original link path: /users/profile.php?id=90662
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  • Title: b3ta.com board
    Descriptive info: Messageboard.. Message 11036365.. Do I know what rhetorical means?.. comedy gold right there, my good man!.. , Sat 7 Dec, 10:56,.. presents with presents in them.. what's not to like?.. , Sat 7 Dec, 10:58,.. hahahahaha.. ferret.. - this space for rent -.. , Sat 7 Dec, 11:36,.. This new Geoffrey is just weird.. , Sat 7 Dec, 12:18,.. Pfft.. , Sat 7 Dec, 13:03,.. , Sat 7 Dec, 13:18,.. ooh.. Mighty Nibus.. who dares gins.. , Sat 7 Dec, 14:14,.. Giant trojan horse?.. With added stair-cock? Woo!.. kidb.. Not any more.. , Sat 7 Dec, 15:05,.. front panel slides FTW.. , Sat 7 Dec, 17:16,.. Very good !..  ...   7 Dec, 16:48,.. horse cunt?.. Thor_sonofodin.. has done things, terrible things on.. , Sat 7 Dec, 20:29,.. Morse Code.. then he tapped out "H-O-R-S-E C-U-N-T".. Kimbo.. has farted.. , Sat 7 Dec, 21:44,.. And the Academy Award for best use of TOAP for ages goes to.. splendid :@ ).. blyerkit.. still uses punchcards.. , Sat 7 Dec, 18:15,.. Cracking idea.. , Sat 7 Dec, 20:10,.. Oh yes!.. - loves his baby boy more and more each day.. , Sun 8 Dec, 0:06,.. That is.. a most excellent shed!.. speedevil.. , Sun 8 Dec, 2:41,.. Spontaneous lolexplosion.. Gnostic Yeti, MD.. Frolic in brine, goblins be thine.. , Sun 8 Dec, 22:28,..

    Original link path: /board/11036365
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